An Uphill Battle

Lately I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle. One that I've been fighting for almost two years now.

I went to see Dr. JustRelax for my 20 week ultrasound and appointment yesterday, and as luck would have it, I happened to be in the same office I was in when they discovered Baby Rootbeer had no heartbeat, and in the exact same room. Being that it was the first time I have been back to that office since, I felt anxious as soon as I walked into the room. And Mr. Rootbeer couldn't be with me due to some work scheduling conflicts.

As I waited for the ultrasound tech to come in I tried to relax, I really did.

I told myself that this baby is different. And she is.

We have made it so far together.

As the tech started the ultrasound and I saw my little girl quietly sucking her thumb on the screen in front of me, I started to relax and breathe again. I could easily see her heart was just beating away, which is still the most beautiful sight everytime I see it.

Within a few minutes, the ultrasound tech noticed that the placenta is slightly covering my cervix. Which she explained to be placenta previa. She explained that this could mean I will have a c-section if the placenta doesn't migrate upwards and away from my cervix.

She looked back at the ultrasound pictures from last week and said they probably didn't see it because my bladder wasn't emptied. And she also said this is most likely the source of the bleeding I have been experiencing. (I have bled twice since my appointment last week)

She went on to check out Baby Root, who is doing fabulous. She is growing strong and measuring a few days ahead. Her heart is perfect, her brain looks great, kidneys, spine, face, everything looked just fantastic.

So then it was time to see Dr. JustRelax.

He put me on pelvic rest and added a few more restrictions. Basically, no sex, no exercise, no laundry, no vacuuming, no lifting anything remotely heavy, no standing for extended periods of time. He also encouraged me to stay away from googling the term placenta previa and said it would scare me. ( I didn't exactly listen to the last part)

I was really uspet yesterday. I am hopeful that everything will turn out fine and the placenta will move as my uterus grows. But I feel like nothing has been easy for me in trying to have a family.

So I gave myself the rest of the day yesterday to walk around all mopey, feeling sorry for myself and hate on my body.

And now I am moving on.

Baby Root is healthy and strong and that is what I am focusing on.

Blessed

I don't think I have ever felt so blessed in my entire life.

I know my post earlier didn't really express it, but I was so scared walking into that appointment today.

This baby and I have come so far together. And I am in love.

In love with someone I have never even met.

How strange is it to think that there is someone living inside of you, but yet you've never met them?

Anyway, the baby is perfect and growing big and strong.

The blood was from a polyp on my cervix that has been bleeding.

And the best part was that the ultrasound tech was able to tell that Baby Root is a GIRL!

It was such a wonderful moment, I will never forget it. And I am so thankful that I was able to experience it.

I am truly blessed.

Change in Plans

So.....due to a recent turn of events, I will be heading off to the Dr. JustRelax in about an hour to check on Baby Root.

We had a little bleeding scare last night.

Thankfully, we have a doppler at home, courtesy of my good friend "Bubs." And I was able to hear my sweet baby's heartbeat loud and clear, which did a lot to ease my fears.

So keep us in your thoughts this morning.

With all the comotion, Mr. Rootbeer and I have decided to cancel the 3D ultrasound we had scheduled for tonight.

So I guess we will just have to wait and see who's in my belly :)

Tomorrow....maybe

Last week Mr. Rootbeer and I went to an appointment. It was an ultrasound we paid out of pocket for to find out if Baby Root is made of sugar, spice and everything nice or frogs, snails, and puppy dog tails.

And it was a huge disappointment.

The tech said something to the degree of, "well it looks like maybe a girl"

To which I responded, "well that doesn't sound too positive"

Ya know, I wish he just said, "I can't tell, the baby is scrunched up and you need to come back next week."

I have waited to hear those three words "IT'S A ____!" for so long.

And now it's pretty anti-climactic.

So folks, we will go back tomorrow to confirm.

What do you think?

Boy or Girl?

Beach Time and Belly Pic

I am so excited! Mr. Rootbeer and I are heading out today to enjoy some quality time with my parents and my brother at the beach. My parents were cool enough to rent a kick ass beach house for the next 8 days. Family vacation time!!!!

I cannot even remember when the last time we went on a family vacation.

But man, I am ready.

I am looking forward to taking some pics, hanging on the beach, sleeping, eating, and just relaxing. What I am not looking forward to is sitting in a car with my husband, brother, mom, and dad for 8 hours and having to stop and pee probably once an hour :)

And when we get back, we have some serious work to do on the future nursery. Right now, the nursery is an office, which is jam packed with files, and a desk, and a computer and a whole bunch of other stuff I have no idea what to do with. And the closet is full of ummmm errrrrr my clothes.

Which I guess is no big deal, since I can barely squeeze into 92% of my wardrobe anyway.

So, I am signing off for a little break, but I will leave you with a belly pic, compliments of one of my favorite people

PS. We find out if Baby Rootbeer is a boy or a girl on September 30th...27 days!!!!!

Internet...meet Baby Root

Reunited and It Feels So Good

Wow it's been a while.

And naturally, A LOT has changed since my last post.

I've thought a lot recently about posting again. I think what was holding me back is that this blog really became a place where I vented and healed. And I wasn't quite sure how to come back and just pick up in a totally different place and frame of mind.

The truth is, I am still not sure.

So I have decided to treat it as if I would treat a friend I lost touch with...

A quick update and then move forward.

So here goes:

February, March, April - I didn't chart, no OPKs, no CBEFM, nothing, nada.....and that's exactly what happened.

NOTHING.

And in April I finally reached my breaking point. I was quickly approaching the one year mark of my pregnancy and the miscarriage.

So, I finally made an appointment with an RE, despite the recommendation of my Dr.

They did some testing.

Determined I have PCOS.

I cried.

I took some clomid.

Went to Florida in May in an attempt to distract myself from the anniversary of the miscarriage.

And BAM

I got PREGNANT.

That's right folks. I am pregnant, like right now.

15 weeks to be exact.

I know, I dont want to blow your mind anymore, so for now...I am going to work on giving this blog a much needed make over, and I will be back soon with a belly pic maybe....

Crazy shit, right?

Quilting!

I love quilting.



I am officially an expert quilter after only one class.

hahaha yea right.



But for serious, class was amazing. It was the first of five classes and by the last class I will have produced an entire quilt, made by yours truly.



I am already planning out all the quilts I am going to make for various people in my life.



I am going to make a mickey crib quilt for Mrs. Joe when she gets KU.



And all of my 10 neices and nephews are getting quilts from their Auntie Rootbeer for Christmas this year. I think I need to start making them now ;)



The quilt I am working on in class, I think I will keep for myself.
1. It is my very first quilt so it will be kinda sentimental
and
2.It is my very first quilt so it will probably be messed up



Being in the class was hysterical. I was the youngest by at LEAST 25 years. Read as...I was sitting in a room with old ladies.
I loved it!

I love old ladies!

It's kinda like being in a room full of grandmas, and really what's better than that???

****************************************************************************************

Also, I started spotting today.

Which means, my period will be here any day and I am on to the next mother effing cycle. GRRRRRRRR

I am starting to not even care.

Is that bad? Or is that good?

Being upset and obsessive over trying to have a baby really hasn't done much for me over the past year or so.

Ugh whatever, talking about quilting is so much better...

Time for a Makeover

It is high time this blog got a makeover. I am thinking about making the move over to wordpress, but for now, I will be here.

I am sure you've noticed I haven't been posting much. The truth is that there is not much more to say about TTC, miscarriage, and infertility right now.



In fact, I am focusing on other things right now in my life. Things that are happy and cheery and most importantly things that I have control over.

And of course I will be sharing them with you!

I am off to my first quilting class today.

Mr. Rootbeer bought me a sewing machine for my birthday last month. And I was bursting at the seams (pun intended) to learn how to use it. So, I signed up for a quilting class.

Which starts today!

So far I have successfully finished two projects: a shower curtain and a kitchen wetbag. More to come on those later.

Stay tuned faithful readers...

Clomid Day 5

So I guess I will stop counting down the days until I stop sweating like a whore in church, since Krista waltzed in here and rained all over my "I'm almost done feeling like this" parade.

But it's really ok people.

I will live.

And now the fun starts.

FUN = peeing on sticks (the opk kind of course.)

Clomid Day 4

One more day of this shit.

I went to a lunch meeting today with some colleagues.

It was lovely.

I purposefully wore a light sweater due to my perspiration issues.

All of the sudden, I felt a heat wave coming over me. My cheeks and ears were FLAMING. And I was in the middle of a sentence.

And next thing I knew, I had tears in my eyes...

WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME?

Thankfully noone really noticed.

Also, Mr. Rootbeer and I had a really great talk last night.

I am so very lucky to have him.

I am craaazay.

Again...blame the clomid. :P

Clomid Day 3

I shouldn't be complaining about the clomid.

It really isn't that bad.

I have been through a lot worse this past year.

Which makes me wonder...why am I complaining about it?

I should be happy to take it. Cramps, bloating, headaches, and profuse sweating are worth having a baby. Right?

The truth is I'm scared.

Scared it won't work.

Scared it will.

Scared of the effect that this is having on my marriage.

In some senses I know that the journey we have traveled in the last year has bonded us. Bonded us beyond what I believe the average couple reaches in their first year of marriage.

In another sense it has also torn us apart.

I used to feel like Mr. Rootbeer got me. Ya know?

Like he was the only one who really understood me.

And now, even though we are united by the greif and disappointment of the past, I feel alone.

Alone in a way I have never felt before.

I just want it to all go back to the way it was before.

Sometimes I think about giving up. Saying fuck it. Going back on the pill.

But I don't think that would help.

Our only choice is to keep pushing forward and trust that God has a plan for us.

Sorry I am such a debbie downer today...blame it on the clomid.

Clomid Day 2

I have to tell you, I didn't think I would have any side effects the first day....boy, was I wrong.

HOLY HOT FLASHES.

It didn't really hit me until I got into bed and snuggled up against Mr. Rootbeer. I wore the usual to bed, one of Mr. R's t-shirts, and I got under the covers and fell asleep.

About 5 minutes later I was awakened by the fact that my entire body felt like it was ON FIRE.

Like I had a fever.

So, I ripped the covers off and fell back asleep. I did not wake up again until 6:00 am this morning only to find myself SOAKING.FUCKING.WET.

hair - WET.

t-shirt - WET.

top of the comforter - WET.

I am sure you find this as disgusting as I do.

And, of course, I showered before bed last night.

Soooooo, I was late to work. And it's Monday.

GRRRRRRRRRR

I'm cranky today.

Clomid Day 1

OK internets. I know you're all prolly pissed. I apologize for not updating sooner, but the truth is that I had this great post in the works about my very first trip to Whole Foods, and how AF finally came, and how Dr. JustRelax gave me clomid for my birthday. But blogger lost it.

So, don't be mad at me. Be mad at blogger.

Anyway, so yeah. Dr. JustRelax stepped up his game. I called him on Tuesday to let him know that I was finally bleeding and he wrote me a prescription for clomid.

Crazy shit huh?

So, here I am...sitting on my new comfy couch, staring at the little pill sitting in front of me.

The plan is to do chart and use OPK's this cycle. But, I was supposed to start temping already, and so far that has been a HUGE FAIL.

I will start tomorrow. (probably not, I suck.)

But I will NOT be using the devil CBEFM.

Wish me luck, internets.

Flow Watch 2010

I hearby declare Flow Watch 2010 commence!

I don't think I have been this anxious to get a period since I had that little scare in highschool.

:shudders:

After consulting with some of the wisest women I know (BOTB 4EVER), I am leaning towards letting my period come naturally.

Don't get it twisted people, I am all for drugs in the right situation. (does anyone else not feel right even saying the phrase "the situation" anymore?)
Anyway, I don't think this is one of those situations.

Also, I am worried about the fact that Dr. JustRelax didn't mention anything about monitoring me on clomid, and that he hasn't done any testing.

So, friends, I think my days with Dr. JustRelax are numbered.

I can say with certainty that I will be charting again next cycle.

YUUUUCCCKKK

I HATE charting. I LOATHE it. Almost as much as I hate TTC.

Alas, it is the only way to know if I am ovulating for sure. AND bonus! I can stop using the devil CBEFM.

Readers, you are in for a treat.

I forsee a lot of bitching about charting in the near future. That is if my stubborn uterus ever decides to bleed.

I guess it is high time I update you, blog readers.

I am a week or so late for my period.

Don't get too excited. For, this is not good news. I am NOT PREGNANT.

I know this because my doc ordered a blood test on Monday morning, and it came back negative.

I am sure, right about now, you are all asking yourself the very question that has been dancing around in my pretty head for the past few days...

Why am I late?

The answer is unknown.

Did I ovulate?

Also unknown.

Why, you ask?

Because I stopped using the devil CBEFM on CD 20 when I did not see a peak fertility reading. Because I took the advice of my doc. (who will be called Dr. JustRelax from here forward)

You see, I called Dr. JustRelax last month when my period came. I was a hot crying mess of a patient. And Dr. JustRelax told me to...you guessed it. Relax, get a bottle of wine, light some candles, and see how that worked.

And, me, being the asshole I am, I listened.

And do you know what?

I have no fucking clue what happened this cycle. Which is clearly a problem, since today is CD 37.

Allow me to share with you, internet, how this convo went down yesterday.

ps. yesterday was also Baby Rootbeer's EDD.

pps. I had a long post written about it, but deleted it. Because it was a ranting raving mess and you all wouldn't have wanted to read it anyway. TRUST.

OK, I digress.

So here it is, and I am warning you now, that I will spare no details.

Monday Morning...

Mrs. R: Oh Hi! I am a pateint of Dr. JustRelax's and I am calling because I am a week late for my monthly gift *insert eyeroll here* and I am not sure what's going on.

Lori (AKA the nicest receptionist ever): Oh hi Mrs. Rootbeer, let me just pull your chart.

Silence

Lori: OK well Dr. JustRelax isn't here today because Dr's don't come back to work the Monday after New Year's like the rest of the world. (OK maybe she really didn't say the last part, but I know that's what she meant. ) but I am going to have you go down to have blood drawn. Due to your history, it is important to know if you are in fact pregnant.

Mrs. R: Ok, I will go now then.

And off I went. Straight to the lab, where I proceeded to wait in the waiting room amongst 14 coughing old people. (I am not exaggerating)

After about 45 minutes of covering my mouth and nose for fear of swine, I was in the chair getting the blood drawn.

Tuesday Morning...

:phone rings:

Mrs. R: Hello?????

Lori: Hi Mrs. R it's Lori. I am calling to let you know your bloodwork came back negative.

Mrs. R: Thank you for calling. (and ruining my already horrible, most dreaded day of the year) So Lori, what should I do about the fact that I am still not bleeding?

Lori: Well, I will have to have Dr. JustRelax call you.

An hour later...

:phone rings:

Mrs. R: Holla

Dr. JustRelax: Hey Mrs. R , it's Dr. JustRelax.

Mrs. R: Oh hey, so I guess you got the results of my bloodwork?

Dr. JustRelax: Yes, yes I did. And how late are you?

Mrs R: about a week now

Dr. JustRelax: and that is unusual for you right?

Mrs. R: yes

Dr. JustRelax: OK well what do you want to do?

***at this moment my mind started reeling....what do I want to do? Is this man really asking me this? Should I tell him that I have seriously contemplated hiring elves to steal Mr. Rootbeer's semen in the middle of the night so that I can squirt it up my vadge with a turkey baster? Or that I have had suspicions about whether I have been ovulating for a few months now***

Mrs. R: Well, what are my options? (this was a better answer, no?)

Dr. JR: Well, you can relax and see if your period comes on its own or I can give you a pill to make it come.

*THIS IS WHERE PURE MAGIC HAPPENED PEOPLE. Something inside me snapped. I am sick of everybody's advice, including Dr. JustRelax. I am sick of floundering through TTC, I am sick of TTC period.*

Mrs. R: Here's what we are going to do. Let's wait a week and see if my period comes on its own, and I will call you next Tuesday if it does not.

Dr. JR: That seems reasonable.

Mrs. R: ok well now that we have that squared away, I am not sure I ovulated this cycle, and I have had suspicions about this for a while now...

Dr. JR: Well, don't you use that monitor?

Mrs. R: YOU TOLD ME TO JUST RELAX!

Dr. JR: ok well if you are not ovulating, I can make you ovulate.

Mrs. R: :chuckle: Oh really? How?

Dr. JR: with a pill called Clomid. I'm sure you've already read all about it? (translation: I know you are one of those annoying chicks who researches everything on the internet)

Mrs. R: Actually, Dr JustRelax, I don't know very much about Clomid. (translation: hahahahaha you're wrong because I haven't even read about clomid and now I am going to run over to the nearest computer and read all the info available and by the next time we talk I will be an expert on clomid but I haven't yet so youre wrong hahahaha)

Dr. JR: well, clomid is a mild fertility treatment, and it does have a few side effects, but the most promiment one is that it doubles your risk of having twins.

Mrs. R: Well, beggars can't be choosers, right?

Dr. JR: Let's get you a period and then you can come in and we can discuss the options you have.

:end scene:

So, there you have it folks, it looks like my blog will be taking a turn in a different direction in 2010.

Infertility.


Thoughts?