tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-81842621226705661852024-02-19T11:27:51.448-05:00Deep RootsUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger65125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8184262122670566185.post-23936599492691268792010-10-01T12:30:00.002-04:002010-10-01T13:09:00.151-04:00An Uphill BattleLately I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle. One that I've been fighting for almost two years now.<br /><br />I went to see Dr. JustRelax for my 20 week ultrasound and appointment yesterday, and as luck would have it, I happened to be in the same office I was in when they discovered Baby Rootbeer had no heartbeat, and in the exact same room. Being that it was the first time I have been back to that office since, I felt anxious as soon as I walked into the room. And Mr. Rootbeer couldn't be with me due to some work scheduling conflicts.<br /><br />As I waited for the ultrasound tech to come in I tried to relax, I really did.<br /><br />I told myself that <em>this</em> baby is different. And she is.<br /><br />We have made it so far together.<br /><br />As the tech started the ultrasound and I saw my little girl quietly sucking her thumb on the screen in front of me, I started to relax and breathe again. I could easily see her heart was just beating away, which is still the most beautiful sight everytime I see it.<br /><br /> Within a few minutes, the ultrasound tech noticed that the placenta is slightly covering my cervix. Which she explained to be placenta previa. She explained that this could mean I will have a c-section if the placenta doesn't migrate upwards and away from my cervix.<br /><br />She looked back at the ultrasound pictures from last week and said they probably didn't see it because my bladder wasn't emptied. And she also said this is most likely the source of the bleeding I have been experiencing. (I have bled twice since my appointment last week)<br /><br />She went on to check out Baby Root, who is doing fabulous. She is growing strong and measuring a few days ahead. Her heart is perfect, her brain looks great, kidneys, spine, face, everything looked just fantastic.<br /><br />So then it was time to see Dr. JustRelax.<br /><br />He put me on pelvic rest and added a few more restrictions. Basically, no sex, no exercise, no laundry, no vacuuming, no lifting anything remotely heavy, no standing for extended periods of time. He also encouraged me to stay away from googling the term placenta previa and said it would scare me. ( I didn't exactly listen to the last part)<br /><br />I was really uspet yesterday. I am hopeful that everything will turn out fine and the placenta will move as my uterus grows. But I feel like nothing has been easy for me in trying to have a family.<br /><br />So I gave myself the rest of the day yesterday to walk around all mopey, feeling sorry for myself and hate on my body.<br /><br />And now I am moving on.<br /><br />Baby Root is healthy and strong and that is what I am focusing on.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8184262122670566185.post-84492453063925738252010-09-22T20:57:00.002-04:002010-09-22T21:40:57.380-04:00BlessedI don't think I have ever felt so blessed in my entire life.<br /><br />I know my post earlier didn't really express it, but I was so scared walking into that appointment today.<br /><br />This baby and I have come so far together. And I am in love.<br /><br />In love with someone I have never even met.<br /><br />How strange is it to think that there is someone living inside of you, but yet you've never met them?<br /><br />Anyway, the baby is perfect and growing big and strong.<br /><br />The blood was from a polyp on my cervix that has been bleeding.<br /><br />And the best part was that the ultrasound tech was able to tell that Baby Root is a GIRL!<br /><br />It was such a wonderful moment, I will never forget it. And I am so thankful that I was able to experience it.<br /><br />I am truly blessed.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8184262122670566185.post-74488750926029013272010-09-22T08:58:00.003-04:002010-09-22T09:10:36.891-04:00Change in PlansSo.....due to a recent turn of events, I will be heading off to the Dr. JustRelax in about an hour to check on Baby Root.<br /><br />We had a little bleeding scare last night.<br /><br />Thankfully, we have a doppler at home, courtesy of my good friend "Bubs." And I was able to hear my sweet baby's heartbeat loud and clear, which did a lot to ease my fears.<br /><br />So keep us in your thoughts this morning.<br /><br />With all the comotion, Mr. Rootbeer and I have decided to cancel the 3D ultrasound we had scheduled for tonight.<br /><br />So I guess we will just have to wait and see who's in my belly :)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8184262122670566185.post-83416773588349948132010-09-21T09:42:00.002-04:002010-09-21T09:52:13.339-04:00Tomorrow....maybeLast week Mr. Rootbeer and I went to an appointment. It was an ultrasound we paid out of pocket for to find out if Baby Root is made of sugar, spice and everything nice or frogs, snails, and puppy dog tails.<br /><br />And it was a huge disappointment.<br /><br />The tech said something to the degree of, "well it looks like maybe a girl"<br /><br />To which I responded, "well that doesn't sound too positive"<br /><br />Ya know, I wish he just said, "I can't tell, the baby is scrunched up and you need to come back next week."<br /><br />I have waited to hear those three words "IT'S A ____!" for so long.<br /><br />And now it's pretty anti-climactic.<br /><br />So folks, we will go back tomorrow to confirm.<br /><br />What do you think?<br /><br />Boy or Girl?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8184262122670566185.post-21235985112004514242010-09-03T15:50:00.003-04:002010-09-03T16:03:50.019-04:00Beach Time and Belly Pic<div>I am so excited! Mr. Rootbeer and I are heading out today to enjoy some quality time with my parents and my brother at the beach. My parents were cool enough to rent a kick ass beach house for the next 8 days. Family vacation time!!!! </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I cannot even remember when the last time we went on a family vacation. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>But man, I am ready. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I am looking forward to taking some pics, hanging on the beach, sleeping, eating, and just relaxing. What I am not looking forward to is sitting in a car with my husband, brother, mom, and dad for 8 hours and having to stop and pee probably once an hour :)</div><div> </div><div>And when we get back, we have some serious work to do on the future nursery. Right now, the nursery is an office, which is jam packed with files, and a desk, and a computer and a whole bunch of other stuff I have no idea what to do with. And the closet is full of ummmm errrrrr my clothes. </div><div> </div><div>Which I guess is no big deal, since I can barely squeeze into 92% of my wardrobe anyway. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>So, I am signing off for a little break, but I will leave you with a belly pic, compliments of one of my favorite people<br /></div><div></div><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 214px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5512779012937218706" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTnAS9NxHbvdi7CPFPQjS8AiXUCp7iiNmhBFC4yeKYSG5GpdU2LZ5EfctjU0RIxNOLYJ6PYVcCUlJbQFadoINs4L7dsvGUaVE1nglOOg-3rs5qBVgeAI41Vch99D7WanxPGCSaQOEo-Yg/s320/IMG_0986-2.jpg" /><br /><div></div>PS. We find out if Baby Rootbeer is a boy or a girl on September 30th...27 days!!!!!<br /><div> </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8184262122670566185.post-62982106376207011332010-09-02T14:35:00.003-04:002010-09-02T16:23:07.485-04:00Internet...meet Baby Root<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4GrHpOvPDVd0jpwdfBRID1ImlWRdSfNtUnlOt47cKZT6H7w-kNnKnJ_2G3zzSPCqxm-fUoaAnDTQ_a6D5rhdN7xPq1PgPXzJd4-29Wk-2d4CqNBevxEmHWeYIPuTSZ3Z0muveUMy-YVE/s1600/IMG00042-20100812-1014.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5512410656744015810" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4GrHpOvPDVd0jpwdfBRID1ImlWRdSfNtUnlOt47cKZT6H7w-kNnKnJ_2G3zzSPCqxm-fUoaAnDTQ_a6D5rhdN7xPq1PgPXzJd4-29Wk-2d4CqNBevxEmHWeYIPuTSZ3Z0muveUMy-YVE/s320/IMG00042-20100812-1014.jpg" /></a><br /><div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8184262122670566185.post-5426566483643811082010-08-31T10:00:00.002-04:002010-08-31T10:33:44.070-04:00Reunited and It Feels So GoodWow it's been a while.<br /><br />And naturally, A LOT has changed since my last post.<br /><br />I've thought a lot recently about posting again. I think what was holding me back is that this blog really became a place where I vented and healed. And I wasn't quite sure how to come back and just pick up in a totally different place and frame of mind.<br /><br />The truth is, I am still not sure.<br /><br />So I have decided to treat it as if I would treat a friend I lost touch with...<br /><br />A quick update and then move forward.<br /><br />So here goes:<br /><br />February, March, April - I didn't chart, no OPKs, no CBEFM, nothing, nada.....and that's exactly what happened.<br /><br />NOTHING.<br /><br />And in April I finally reached my breaking point. I was quickly approaching the one year mark of my pregnancy and the miscarriage.<br /><br />So, I finally made an appointment with an RE, despite the recommendation of my Dr.<br /><br />They did some testing.<br /><br />Determined I have PCOS.<br /><br />I cried.<br /><br />I took some clomid.<br /><br />Went to Florida in May in an attempt to distract myself from the anniversary of the miscarriage.<br /><br />And BAM<br /><br />I got PREGNANT.<br /><br />That's right folks. I am pregnant, like right now.<br /><br />15 weeks to be exact.<br /><br />I know, I dont want to blow your mind anymore, so for now...I am going to work on giving this blog a much needed make over, and I will be back soon with a belly pic maybe....<br /><br />Crazy shit, right?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8184262122670566185.post-2180535686208856802010-02-15T10:37:00.005-05:002010-02-15T16:26:40.416-05:00Quilting!I love quilting.<br /><br /><br /><br />I am officially an expert quilter after only one class.<br /><br />hahaha yea right.<br /><br /><br /><br />But for serious, class was amazing. It was the first of five classes and by the last class I will have produced an entire quilt, made by yours truly.<br /><br /><br /><br />I am already planning out all the quilts I am going to make for various people in my life.<br /><br /><br /><br />I am going to make a mickey crib quilt for Mrs. Joe when she gets KU.<br /><br /><br /><br />And all of my 10 neices and nephews are getting quilts from their Auntie Rootbeer for Christmas this year. I think I need to start making them now ;)<br /><br /><br /><br />The quilt I am working on in class, I think I will keep for myself.<br />1. It is my very first quilt so it will be kinda sentimental<br />and<br />2.It is my very first quilt so it will probably be messed up<br /><br /><br /><br />Being in the class was hysterical. I was the youngest by at LEAST 25 years. Read as...I was sitting in a room with old ladies.<br />I loved it!<br /><br />I love old ladies!<br /><br />It's kinda like being in a room full of grandmas, and really what's better than that???<br /><p>****************************************************************************************</p><p>Also, I started spotting today. </p><p>Which means, my period will be here any day and I am on to the next mother effing cycle. GRRRRRRRR</p><p>I am starting to not even care. </p><p>Is that bad? Or is that good?</p><p>Being upset and obsessive over trying to have a baby really hasn't done much for me over the past year or so. </p><p>Ugh whatever, talking about quilting is so much better...<br /></p><br /><br /><br /><p><br /> </p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8184262122670566185.post-3481840802728244302010-02-13T11:09:00.002-05:002010-02-13T11:16:28.400-05:00Time for a MakeoverIt is high time this blog got a makeover. I am thinking about making the move over to wordpress, but for now, I will be here.<br /><br />I am sure you've noticed I haven't been posting much. The truth is that there is not much more to say about TTC, miscarriage, and infertility right now.<br /><br /><quick><br /><br />In fact, I am focusing on other things right now in my life. Things that are happy and cheery and most importantly things that I have control over.<br /><br />And of course I will be sharing them with you!<br /><br />I am off to my first quilting class today.<br /><br />Mr. Rootbeer bought me a sewing machine for my birthday last month. And I was bursting at the seams (pun intended) to learn how to use it. So, I signed up for a quilting class.<br /><br />Which starts today!<br /><br />So far I have successfully finished two projects: a shower curtain and a kitchen wetbag. More to come on those later.<br /><br />Stay tuned faithful readers...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8184262122670566185.post-43477566654804485872010-01-21T15:37:00.006-05:002010-01-21T20:56:57.500-05:00Clomid Day 5So I guess I will stop counting down the days until I stop sweating like a whore in church, since Krista waltzed in here and rained all over my "I'm almost done feeling like this" parade.<br /><br />But it's really ok people.<br /><br />I will live.<br /><br />And now the fun starts.<br /><br />FUN = peeing on sticks (the opk kind of course.)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8184262122670566185.post-26511213200982357312010-01-20T09:35:00.003-05:002010-01-20T15:36:08.343-05:00Clomid Day 4One more day of this shit.<br /><br />I went to a lunch meeting today with some colleagues.<br /><br />It was lovely.<br /><br />I purposefully wore a light sweater due to my perspiration issues.<br /><br />All of the sudden, I felt a heat wave coming over me. My cheeks and ears were FLAMING. And I was in the middle of a sentence. <br /><br />And next thing I knew, I had tears in my eyes...<br /><br />WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME?<br /><br />Thankfully noone really noticed.<br /><br />Also, Mr. Rootbeer and I had a really great talk last night.<br /><br />I am so very lucky to have him.<br /><br />I am craaazay.<br /><br />Again...blame the clomid. :PUnknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8184262122670566185.post-31295897813489139642010-01-19T09:33:00.002-05:002010-01-19T11:10:44.400-05:00Clomid Day 3I shouldn't be complaining about the clomid.<br /><br />It really isn't <em>that</em> bad.<br /><br />I have been through a lot worse this past year.<br /><br />Which makes me wonder...why <em>am </em>I complaining about it?<br /><br />I should be happy to take it. Cramps, bloating, headaches, and profuse sweating are worth having a baby. Right?<br /><br />The truth is I'm scared.<br /><br />Scared it won't work.<br /><br />Scared it will.<br /><br />Scared of the effect that this is having on my marriage.<br /><br />In some senses I know that the journey we have traveled in the last year has bonded us. Bonded us beyond what I believe the average couple reaches in their first year of marriage.<br /><br />In another sense it has also torn us apart.<br /><br />I used to feel like Mr. Rootbeer got me. Ya know?<br /><br />Like he was the only one who really understood me.<br /><br />And now, even though we are united by the greif and disappointment of the past, I feel alone.<br /><br />Alone in a way I have never felt before.<br /><br />I just want it to all go back to the way it was before.<br /><br />Sometimes I think about giving up. Saying fuck it. Going back on the pill.<br /><br />But I don't think that would help.<br /><br />Our only choice is to keep pushing forward and trust that God has a plan for us.<br /><br />Sorry I am such a debbie downer today...blame it on the clomid.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8184262122670566185.post-90749657259076089412010-01-18T08:39:00.003-05:002010-01-18T10:24:30.114-05:00Clomid Day 2I have to tell you, I didn't think I would have any side effects the first day....boy, was I wrong.<br /><br />HOLY HOT FLASHES.<br /><br />It didn't really hit me until I got into bed and snuggled up against Mr. Rootbeer. I wore the usual to bed, one of Mr. R's t-shirts, and I got under the covers and fell asleep.<br /><br />About 5 minutes later I was awakened by the fact that my entire body felt like it was ON FIRE.<br /><br />Like I had a fever. <br /><br />So, I ripped the covers off and fell back asleep. I did not wake up again until 6:00 am this morning only to find myself SOAKING.FUCKING.WET.<br /><br />hair - WET.<br /><br />t-shirt - WET.<br /><br />top of the comforter - WET.<br /><br />I am sure you find this as disgusting as I do.<br /><br />And, of course, I showered before bed last night.<br /><br />Soooooo, I was late to work. And it's Monday.<br /><br />GRRRRRRRRRR<br /><br />I'm cranky today.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8184262122670566185.post-31968363063014186972010-01-17T10:27:00.002-05:002010-01-17T10:34:16.116-05:00Clomid Day 1OK internets. I know you're all prolly pissed. I apologize for not updating sooner, but the truth is that I had this great post in the works about my very first trip to Whole Foods, and how AF finally came, and how Dr. JustRelax gave me clomid for my birthday. But blogger lost it.<br /><br />So, don't be mad at me. Be mad at blogger.<br /><br />Anyway, so yeah. Dr. JustRelax stepped up his game. I called him on Tuesday to let him know that I was finally bleeding and he wrote me a prescription for clomid.<br /><br />Crazy shit huh?<br /><br />So, here I am...sitting on my new comfy couch, staring at the little pill sitting in front of me.<br /><br />The plan is to do chart and use OPK's this cycle. But, I was supposed to start temping already, and so far that has been a HUGE FAIL.<br /><br />I will start tomorrow. (probably not, I suck.)<br /><br />But I will NOT be using the devil CBEFM.<br /><br />Wish me luck, internets.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8184262122670566185.post-17472918117791796982010-01-07T16:30:00.003-05:002010-01-07T16:54:27.888-05:00Flow Watch 2010I hearby declare Flow Watch 2010 commence!<br /><br />I don't think I have been this anxious to get a period since I had that little scare in highschool.<br /><br />:shudders:<br /><br />After consulting with some of the wisest women I know (BOTB 4EVER), I am leaning towards letting my period come naturally.<br /><br />Don't get it twisted people, I am all for drugs in the right situation. (does anyone else not feel right even saying the phrase "the situation" anymore?)<br />Anyway, I don't think this is one of those situations.<br /><br />Also, I am worried about the fact that Dr. JustRelax didn't mention anything about monitoring me on clomid, and that he hasn't done any testing.<br /><br />So, friends, I think my days with Dr. JustRelax are numbered.<br /><br />I can say with certainty that I will be charting again next cycle.<br /><br />YUUUUCCCKKK<br /><br />I HATE charting. I LOATHE it. Almost as much as I hate TTC.<br /><br />Alas, it is the only way to know if I am ovulating for sure. AND bonus! I can stop using the devil CBEFM.<br /><br />Readers, you are in for a treat.<br /><br />I forsee a lot of bitching about charting in the near future. That is if<em> </em>my stubborn uterus ever decides to bleed.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8184262122670566185.post-41583904749580939342010-01-06T11:20:00.004-05:002010-01-06T12:15:40.916-05:00I guess it is high time I update you, blog readers.<br /><br />I am a week or so late for my period.<br /><br />Don't get too excited. For, this is not good news. I am <strong>NOT PREGNANT</strong>.<br /><br />I know this because my doc ordered a blood test on Monday morning, and it came back negative.<br /><br />I am sure, right about now, you are all asking yourself the very question that has been dancing around in my pretty head for the past few days...<br /><br /><em>Why am I late?</em><br /><em></em><br />The answer is unknown.<br /><br /><em>Did I ovulate?</em><br /><em></em><br />Also unknown.<br /><br />Why, you ask?<br /><br />Because I stopped using the devil CBEFM on CD 20 when I did not see a peak fertility reading. Because I took the advice of my doc. (who will be called Dr. JustRelax from here forward)<br /><br />You see, I called Dr. JustRelax last month when my period came. I was a hot crying mess of a patient. And Dr. JustRelax told me to...you guessed it. Relax, get a bottle of wine, light some candles, and see how that worked.<br /><br />And, me, being the asshole I am, I listened.<br /><br />And do you know what?<br /><br />I have no fucking clue what happened this cycle. Which is clearly a problem, since today is CD 37.<br /><br />Allow me to share with you, internet, how this convo went down yesterday.<br /><br />ps. yesterday was also Baby Rootbeer's EDD.<br /><br />pps. I had a long post written about it, but deleted it. Because it was a ranting raving mess and you all wouldn't have wanted to read it anyway. TRUST.<br /><br />OK, I digress.<br /><br />So here it is, and I am warning you now, that I will spare no details.<br /><br /><strong>Monday Morning...</strong><br /><br /><strong>Mrs. R</strong>: Oh Hi! I am a pateint of Dr. JustRelax's and I am calling because I am a week late for my monthly gift *insert eyeroll here* and I am not sure what's going on.<br /><br /><strong>Lori</strong> (AKA the nicest receptionist ever): Oh hi Mrs. Rootbeer, let me just pull your chart.<br /><br /><em>Silence</em><br /><br /><strong>Lori</strong>: OK well Dr. JustRelax isn't here today <em>because Dr's don't come back to work the Monday after New Year's like the rest of the world. (</em>OK maybe she really didn't say the last part, but I know that's what she meant. ) but I am going to have you go down to have blood drawn. Due to your history, it is important to know if you are in fact pregnant.<br /><br /><strong>Mrs. R</strong>: Ok, I will go now then.<br /><br />And off I went. Straight to the lab, where I proceeded to wait in the waiting room amongst 14 coughing old people. (I am not exaggerating)<br /><br />After about 45 minutes of covering my mouth and nose for fear of swine, I was in the chair getting the blood drawn.<br /><br /><strong>Tuesday Morning...</strong><br /><br />:phone rings:<br /><br /><strong>Mrs. R</strong>: Hello?????<br /><br /><strong>Lori</strong>: Hi Mrs. R it's Lori. I am calling to let you know your bloodwork came back negative.<br /><br /><strong>Mrs. R</strong>: Thank you for calling. (and ruining my already horrible, most dreaded day of the year) So Lori, what should I do about the fact that I am still not bleeding?<br /><br /><strong>Lori</strong>: Well, I will have to have Dr. JustRelax call you.<br /><br />An hour later...<br /><br />:phone rings:<br /><br /><strong>Mrs. R</strong>: Holla<br /><br /><strong>Dr. JustRelax</strong>: Hey Mrs. R , it's Dr. JustRelax.<br /><br /><strong>Mrs. R</strong>: Oh hey, so I guess you got the results of my bloodwork?<br /><br /><strong>Dr. JustRelax</strong>: Yes, yes I did. And how late are you?<br /><br /><strong>Mrs R</strong>: about a week now<br /><br /><strong>Dr. JustRelax</strong>: and that is unusual for you right?<br /><br /><strong>Mrs. R</strong>: yes<br /><br /><strong>Dr. JustRelax</strong>: OK well what do you want to do?<br /><br />***at this moment my mind started reeling....what do I want to do? Is this man really asking me this? Should I tell him that I have seriously contemplated hiring elves to steal Mr. Rootbeer's semen in the middle of the night so that I can squirt it up my vadge with a turkey baster? Or that I have had suspicions about whether I have been ovulating for a few months now***<br /><br /><strong>Mrs. R</strong>: Well, what are my options? (this was a better answer, no?)<br /><br /><strong>Dr. JR</strong>: Well, you can relax and see if your period comes on its own or I can give you a pill to make it come.<br /><br />*THIS IS WHERE PURE MAGIC HAPPENED PEOPLE. Something inside me snapped. I am sick of everybody's advice, including Dr. JustRelax. I am sick of floundering through TTC, I am sick of TTC period.*<br /><br /><strong>Mrs. R</strong>: Here's what we are going to do. Let's wait a week and see if my period comes on its own, and I will call you next Tuesday if it does not.<br /><br /><strong>Dr. JR</strong>: That seems reasonable.<br /><br /><strong>Mrs. R</strong>: ok well now that we have that squared away, I am not sure I ovulated this cycle, and I have had suspicions about this for a while now...<br /><br /><strong>Dr. JR</strong>: Well, don't you use that monitor?<br /><br /><strong>Mrs. R</strong>: YOU TOLD ME TO JUST RELAX!<br /><br /><strong>Dr. JR</strong>: ok well if you are not ovulating, I can make you ovulate.<br /><br /><strong>Mrs. R</strong>: :chuckle: Oh really? How?<br /><br /><strong>Dr. JR</strong>: with a pill called Clomid. I'm sure you've already read all about it? (translation: <em>I know you are one of those annoying chicks who researches everything on the internet</em>)<br /><br /><strong>Mrs. R</strong>: Actually, Dr JustRelax, I don't know very much about Clomid. (translation: <em>hahahahaha you're wrong because I haven't even read about clomid and now I am going to run over to the nearest computer and read all the info available and by the next time we talk I will be an expert on clomid but I haven't yet so youre wrong hahahaha)</em><br /><em></em><br /><strong>Dr. JR</strong>: well, clomid is a mild fertility treatment, and it does have a few side effects, but the most promiment one is that it doubles your risk of having twins.<br /><br /><strong>Mrs. R</strong>: Well, beggars can't be choosers, right?<br /><br /><strong>Dr. JR</strong>: Let's get you a period and then you can come in and we can discuss the options you have.<br /><br />:end scene:<br /><br />So, there you have it folks, it looks like my blog will be taking a turn in a different direction in 2010.<br /><br />Infertility.<br /><br /><br />Thoughts?<br /><br /><br /><br /><em></em>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8184262122670566185.post-32815618766849704422009-12-26T11:15:00.002-05:002009-12-26T11:35:15.558-05:00Saving ChristmasMy great grandmother died when I was five. She was a cool lady. She used to make all kinds of stuff. She knit baby blankets, hats, and mittens. She also was known to make a lot of things in ceramics class at the senior center.<br /><br />She had 5 daughters. Those 5 daughters went on to have a total of 17 children of their own. And those 17 children went on to have a shit ton more. I have a ton of cousins. So you see, there are a large number of people between me and Grammy.<br /><br />So, when she passed away I didn't get anything of hers.<br /><br />I have a blanket she made for me when I was born, and a mug she made for me when I was a little girl. But I don't have anything of <em>hers. </em><br /><br />The coolest thing Grammy used to make was nativity sets. She handpainted a set for each of her 5 daughters. She also glazed a set for my mom right before her death. My mother's nativity set has been a cherished memory of mine all of my life. It is just so special.<br /><br />Every year my brother and I would trade off on who got to set up the manger. We would run to put baby Jesus in his "spot" every Christmas morning. It is one of my fondest childhood memories of Christmas.<br /><br />Since moving out and making a home of my own, I have longed for my own nativity set. I have literally looked at hundreds. And none of them ever fit the bill.<br /><br />They just didn't seem special.<br /><br />In fact, last year one of my aunts bought me a few peices of the Precious Moments nativity scene. And as I set them on my table this year I thought, <em>these are cute but they just aren't Grammy's.</em><br /><br />Apparently, in 1981 Grammy made herself a nativity set. She handpainted each figurine and my Great Grandfather built a manger for the set. And when she passed away in 1990, my Great Aunt Lee inherited the set.<br /><br />Fast forward to Christmas Eve 2009.<br /><br />After dinner, my grandmother instructed Mr. Rootbeer to follow her out to her car because she had something for me in the trunk. They returned with a large box. My grandmother explained that Aunt Lee asked her to give this to me this Christmas. I opened the box and inside was the most wonderful Christmas gift I have ever received.<br /><br />Grammy's nativity.<br /><br />Complete with the manger that Grampy has made.<br /><br />I cannot put into words the joy I felt setting up the nativity on Christmas morning. I am certain I will treasure this gift for the rest of my life. And I can only hope that my children, that I WILL have, will treasure this Christmas tradition as much as I have.<br /><br />So, thank you Aunt Lee. Thank you for saving Christmas.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8184262122670566185.post-55654001776724213062009-12-24T11:15:00.004-05:002009-12-24T11:36:16.844-05:00Bah HumbugI would first like to say that I am a Christmas whore.<br /><br />I loooooove Christmas.<br /><br />I am one of those people that starts listening to the ever-corny Christmas music the very day after Thanksgiving. I will even admit that my obsession with this overly commercial holiday goes as far as I start planning how I will decorate our house as early as Halloween.<br /><br />Because shortly after Christmas comes New Years, and who doesn't love New Year's Eve?<br /><br />And right after New Year's Eve comes my birthday. Which is obviously the highlight of my year.<br /><br />I usually spend the week leading up to Christmas singing songs, wearing red and green, cheerfully wrapping gifts and baking yummy treats. And I love to shop, so Christmas shopping has never been an annoyance. I gladly brave the packed parking lots and long lines because I truly love to buy gifts for my loved ones.<br /><br />This year just feels so different. Don't get me wrong here, I am still enjoying seeing family and giving the gifts I have purchased. Except everything else was such a pain in the ass this year.<br /><br />My heart just isn't in it. And I can't help but wonder if that pesky date conviently sandwiched between New Year's and my birthday is to blame...<br /><br />Jan 5th.<br /><br />Fuck that day. I have been dreading it for almost 9 months now. And here it is, just in time to ruin the holidays.<br /><br />Christmas cards make me wanna barf, yet I sent them anyway. Complete with a picture of my two dogs, because face it people I have no kids.<br /><br />Shopping this year ranked slightly above sticking a fork into my eyeball.<br /><br />Work Secret Santa...I got the poor chick a bottle of vodka and a redbull.<br />I kid you not.<br />And I will share my thought process on picking this gift out. I said to myself, "Self, what would you want from the work secret santa?"<br />Bottle of vodka was the first thing that came to mind.<br /><br />Christmas cookies...I made them but only because stuffing my face is a priority these days. I am working to ensure that none of the clothes I get for Christmas fit.<br /><br />And don't even get me started on wrapping all those fucking gifts. OMG pain in the ass.<br /><br />So, faithful blog readers, I am officially over Christmas.<br /><br />The only positive thing I can come up with is that it is in fact a indication that this suck ass year is almost over.<br /><br />*************************************************************************************<br />also I hate that CBEFM.<br /><br />I don't even think I ovulated this cycle. Which is just fan-fucking-tastic.<br /><br />I am right on schedule to get my period on Jan 1st.<br /><br />Whiskey.Tango.Foxtrot?<br /><br />FMLUnknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8184262122670566185.post-81808908149179917052009-11-24T10:28:00.003-05:002009-11-24T10:34:31.183-05:00Still hereI'm still here in the 2ww. I am debating on whether to test on Thanksgiving.<br /><br />My original plan was to wait until the CBEFM tells me I am late, and then I would test.<br /><br />I don't like that plan anymore.<br /><br />I am impatient.<br /><br />I want to test on Thursday. I have good vibes about this cycle for some strange reason. I will be approx. 9-10 DPO on Thursday.<br /><br />WWYD?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8184262122670566185.post-30721619983507018132009-11-20T16:36:00.002-05:002009-11-20T16:47:53.126-05:00And so it begins...the dreaded 2ww.<br /><br />That's right folks, I peed on my nifty little stick today and stuck it in the CBEFM and ta da! My fertile phase is over.<br /><br />I really loathe this part of my cycle. I have come to realize that almost every symptom of pregnancy, short of two lines of course, and every symptom of AF are pretty much the same. The exhaustion, the pimples, the headaches, and just plain feeling like shit.<br /><br />I put zero stock in symptoms. Which, for me is a healthy development. I refuse to even entertain the idea that I <em>could</em> be pregnant until I see those two little magic lines.<br /><br />But, you see, that's the part of this that makes the 2ww the little whore she is. She uses her alluring trickery to fool you into thinking you have a chance.<br /><br />But in reality, I do have a chance. A pretty good one. And thanks to the CBEFM, Mr. Rootbeer and I have had sex every night for the past 10 days. So, I'm thinkin our chances are pretty good. We will see.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8184262122670566185.post-46096549315947050012009-11-18T19:23:00.002-05:002009-11-18T19:27:01.729-05:00O!Well folks it looks like today is the day I have been waiting for. I got a "peak fertility" reading on the CBEFM this morning. Complete with an adorable picture of a little egg. I should be O'ing today or tomorrow.<br /><br />:swoon:<br /><br />Sex-a-thon November 2009 continues...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8184262122670566185.post-34072575100284587722009-11-17T21:26:00.003-05:002009-11-17T21:38:02.799-05:00PinkyThe CBEFM is still reading "high fertility" today. I was sure I would wake up and get a "peak fertility" reading today. I think I read somewhere that it may not give a "peak fertility" reading the first cycle in use because the monitor doesn't "know" me yet. So, my friends, the sex-a-thon continues.<br /><br />Not even a broken toe could stop us.<br /><br />I would like to take a moment to tell you all that I am an accident waiting to happen. I think it may have something do with my lack of depth perception. I walk into EVERYTHING. Last week we went to NYC to see a show and I fell flat on my face on 138th street. Brusied my shin pretty good. A few days later I slipped on the back cement steps leading down to our patio and busied my ass. I have a big black bruise the size of Mr. Rootbeer's fist on my right ass cheek. Or so he tells me.<br /><br />But last night takes the cake. I really couldn't tell you how this happened. That's how ridiculous it is. Anywho, I was walking in my living room and somehow managed to kick the couch. Yup. And broke my little pinky toe, and possibly the one next to it. I can barely walk.<br /><br />I got into bed and Mr. Rootbeer came in and we decided a little broken toe won't stop us. :)<br /><br />If I get knocked up this cycle, I shall call the baby Pinky.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8184262122670566185.post-323940081216548372009-11-16T11:52:00.006-05:002009-11-17T12:01:04.713-05:00A Trip Down Memory LaneA few months ago I put google analytics on my blog. I was interested in seeing if anyone was even reading my blog and where my readers were coming from. I was quite surprised to find I actually had readers. And from all over the country and even in other countries.<br /><br /><br /><br />So, yesterday I was sitting around with Mr. Rootbeer, watching football as per usual on a Sunday afternoon, when I decided to pull up google analytics and check on this little old blog. And would you believe that people are still reading my blog? When I figured this out I felt just plain guilty. Guilty, because my blog has sucked hardcore lately. I have been writing without inspiration. Or barely writing at all.<br /><br /><br /><br />I needed inspiration and guidance. And somehow I got the bright idea to go back and read all my posts from the beginning. This was really the first time I have gone back and remembered those few weeks I had my baby. The verdict is still out on whether this was a good idea.<br /><br /><br /><br />You decide.<br /><br /><br /><br />My blog can basically be broken up into 4 parts.<br /><br /><br /><br />Part 1 - TTC ROUND 1<br /><br />This made me laugh. I was so impatient after trying for only a few cycles. Alas, I can recall some of these feelings. I remember being so frustrated the cycle I got pregnant. I remember the night we found out. But when I read the post about that night, I remembered much more. I knew I was pregnant before I ever saw those two lines. I remember going to dinner with Mr. Rootbeer that night and telling him I was pretty sure it would be my last sushi dinner for a while. I remember getting home from dinner and Bubs telling me to test. I remember seeing the lines and feeling so happy. I know happy is a pretty run of the mill way to describe such an overwhelming emotion but when I think back all I can see is happy.<br /><br /><br /><br />Part 2 - Baby Rootbeer<br /><br />Once I saw those two lines my blog was happy. There's that word again. This was the happiest time my blog has ever seen, and yet when I read it last night it was the hardest part to read. One one hand it was sweet to see how delighted and hopeful I was, on the other hand it was sad to see how innocent and unaware I was.<br /><br /><br /><br />There was a post about pregnancy pimples that brought me to tears. I was complaining about having zits all over my body. But at the end of the post I said something to the effect of not being able to wait to hear Baby Rootbeer's heartbeat and how it would be the sweetest sound I had ever heard next to hearing Baby Rootbeer's first cry. I never got to hear those sounds. It breaks my heart all over again.<br /><br /><br /><br />Part 3 - The Aftermath<br /><br />Ok this is the part where shit hit the fan. After losing Baby Rootbeer I was a mess. It was hard to read. I had posted a recount of the events of that day. And I had tears streaming down my face as I read it last night. This section is full of raw emotion. Sadness, greif, confusion and sheer disbelief.<br /><br /><br /><br />Part 4 - TTC Round 2<br /><br />This is where the blog really started to turn to shit. Because you see, there is no magic left in TTC for me. I write about nothing. The posts show clear signs of a bitter and depressed newlywed. How wonderful.<br /><br /><br /><br />I have friends who are TTC for the first time. They are so excited and filled with hope and anticipation. I dare not burst their bubble. However, I am insanely jealous. I wish I could get that feeling back. I feel like I am stuck somewhere I am not supposed to be.<br /><br /><br /><br />According to google analytics, an average of 6 of you have been reading these miserable posts. So, to the six of you I apologize. I vow that I will make a valiant effort to make my blog better. To entertain you with the funny little anecdotes that occur, and to fill you in on the details of TTC round 2.<br /><br /><br /><br />And since we are focusing on positivity...there was something wonderful I found while reading my blog. I found all the wonderful, supportive, and loving comments left by readers. Thank you. Thank you for the support and the love.<br /><br /><br /><br />The truth is people. I am scared. I am absolutely terrified of being pregnant again. Even though it is the one thing I want more than anything.<br /><br /><br /><br />What happens then? Will I be happy again? Will all the pain I have been trying to process over the past 6 months go away? Will I be able to enjoy another pregnancy?<br /><br /><br /><br />I guess we will cross all of these bridges when we come to them.<br /><br /><br /><br />I am also anxious about my impending due date. January 5th. The day Baby Rootbeer was estimated to arrive. What the fuck am I supposed to do on that day? Just thinking about it causes my chest to tighten. And as this day approaches I find myself being reminded of what I <em>should </em>be doing. I should be finishing up the nursery. I should be attending my shower. I should be huge. The approach of this due date and the holidays makes me want to run away.<br /><br /><br /><br />:deep breath:<br /><br /><br /><br />OK enough about that.<br /><br /><br /><br />In CBEFM news, it is still giving me a "high fertility" reading. Today is CD 15. Mr. Rootbeer and I have been having a sex-a-thon for a few days now and I don't plan on calling it quits until I see a "peak fertility" reading. Also, I bought a pineapple.<br /><br /><br /><br />I am desperate people. The thought of standing on my head after sex has actually crossed my mind in a serious manner.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8184262122670566185.post-44975806460607038222009-11-11T10:20:00.005-05:002009-11-17T12:01:30.881-05:00Clear Blue Easy Fertility MonitorSo, I have officially christened my CBEFM. For the past three days I have woken up, peed on a little stick, and stuck it inside this magical little monitor. In theory, this nifty little device will tell us when the best time is to have sex. Right now, the monitor says I am in "high fertility". I call shenanigans. Today is CD 10. There is no way I am even close to fertile right now. Whatever, CBEFM we will see how smart you are soon. If I somehow manage to get KU this cycle. I promise I will shut my mouth and never question you again.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8184262122670566185.post-78482149328291216942009-10-30T10:46:00.003-04:002009-10-30T11:26:25.573-04:00Mr. Fix-ItWell here we are again. I haven't blogged in a while mainly because I haven't really had anything new to say. We are still trying to get pregnant, and I am still not pregnant. I am still having a hard time with all of this. I am trying so damn hard to be positive but it is more and more difficult every month.<br /><br />Today is most likely CD 28 and I am probably 13 DPO. I say "most likely" and "probably" because I didn't chart or use OPKs or anything again.<br /><br />I have been hearing things like "Just relax and it will happen," or "it will happen as soon as you stop trying" for about a year now. Both are among my most hated phrases.<br /><br />I took the last two cycles to "relax" and "let it happen."<br /><br />But guess what, it didn't.<br /><br />I spotted yesterday, and again today. Which is a clue that AF is hiding right around the corner. Waiting to pop out and remind me that I am not pregnant yet again.<br /><br />A few months ago I would have still had hope at this point. I would have said to myself, "self, you're not bleeding yet. Some women spot when they are pregnant." But I am fresh out of hopeful pep talks for myself. And frankly, I am annoyed by the ones I get from others. Even from people I love most.<br /><br />The two people closest to me in my life are Mr. Rootbeer and my Dad. I am incredibly close to my father and I always have been. He knows more about me than anyone and we talk about everything.<br /><br />My Dad is Mr. Fix-It. He always has been. He can fix ANYTHING. I never had to worry if something broke, I would bring it to Dad and he would fix it, no matter what it was. In fact, when I was 11 my pet cockatiel Prissy had an unfortunate accident with a ceiling fan. She broke her beak and I remember picking her up and carrying her over to my Dad and saying, "fix her Daddy." He did.<br /><br /> And when I met Mr. Rootbeer I noticed the same quality. Mr. Rootbeer can fix anything as well. I don't think I could have married a man who couldn't. I break things a lot and it's comforting to have a man around that can make everything right again.<br /><br />Well, I have been feeling pretty broken lately. It has been over a year since Mr. Rootbeer and I started TTC. I am disappointed and discouraged every month when I start to bleed. It breaks my heart into pieces all over again, and it seems to get worse every cycle.<br /><br />This month has been the worst so far. It's not about the miscarriage anymore. It is about the fact that I have tried everything in my power to get pregnant and FAILED over and over again. Getting pregnant is the most basic and natural function of the female body. And I can't seem to hack it.<br /><br />I was overly optimistic about this cycle. My breats have been very sore. I have been bloated, and breaking out very bad. I actually thought we might have finally succeeded.<br /><br />Yesterday I ran home and into the bathroom and I looked down and saw pink. I closed my eyes and starting saying "no no no no." I prayed. I actually sat on my toilet and prayed for God to make the blood go away and replace it with a positive pregnancy test. And today when I saw more blood in my bathroom at work, I lost my shit. I sobbed and I felt sorry for myself.<br /><br />Neither my Dad nor Mr. Rootbeer can fix this. And they have tried. They try with their words. They tell me that I will get pregnant soon. They tell me it will happen when we least expect. They remind me to be thankful for what I have. But it just makes me feel worse. Because I know they can't fix this for me.<br /><br />I am still feeling sorry for myself. I don't know where to go from here. On one hand I want to call the Dr and begin testing. On the other, I want to go back on birth control and maybe regain some sanity.<br /><br />I probably won't do either. I will probably just keep trying and praying.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0