Friday, May 29, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Saturday, May 23, 2009
It's a beautiful little angel charm for my bracelet. He said it was a little something for me to remember our baby. I love it. I love him.
This is a picture of the beautiful pond we went to fish.
That's the fish I caught!!!
I love my dogs. They are such good snugglers.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Wednesday morning I called the Dr.'s office and told the nurse that I had a little spotting the night before but nothing today. She told me to come in at 10:30 and I would seeing Dr. L. She said that this was just for reassurance and I shouldn't worry. She said he may want to send me for some bloodwork. She said to come to the NH office, I knew the ultrasound machine is in the H office, so I didn't think I would be having an ultrasound. I called Mr. Rootbeer and told him about the appointment. I knew he wouldn't be able to make the appointment because he was an hour away and he still had customers to see in that area, and although I was nervous, I was sure everything would be ok. And it was then that I made one of the dumbest decisions. Mr. Rootbeer and I work for our families business, and I could have decided to have him leave and rush to the appointment with me. But I was thinking as a business owner at that point, and not as a wife. I was thinking with my left brain at that moment, and not with my right. I have always had an independent streak. I have always known that I could do things on my own. I figured someday it would bite me in the ass, well that day was yesterday. I didn't reschedule my husbands' appointments, I didn't call my Mom and tell her I had an appointment, I didn't beg my friend who worked down the street to meet me, I just hopped in my car and drove myself.
I had never met Dr. L before. In fact, this was my first time seeing anyone at this practice because I switched practices a few weeks ago. I went in to see the Dr and I was calm. He was very nice, and exactly what I wanted in a Dr, I thought to myself, I would love for this Dr to deliver my baby. The baby I assumed was growing and thriving inside my belly.
Dr. L said he was going to do an ultrasound, I stupidly thought it was so sad that I was going to see our baby for the first time without my husband, but Dr. L assured me he would give me plenty of pictures to bring home for him. We headed for the ultrasound room, I undressed, sat on the exam table, and waited. It was right then that I remembered why I was there, I remembered the spotting and the cramping. I started to pray. I prayed that the baby would be on that huge screen in front of me, with its tiny heart beating away.
Dr. L came in, and I watched the screen nervously. I knew something wasn't right almost immediately. Maybe because I could see the nurse biting her lip and glancing nervously from the Dr. to me, and back again. And then he started to talk...
Mrs. Rootbeer, let me explain to you what you are looking at. Blah, blah blah...your baby has stopped growing....blah blah blah...there is no heartbeat...blah blah blah....I can't remember what else was said.
I lost my shit. I was alone and staring at a 51 inch image of my dead baby inside of me. I started to cry. They handed me tissues, removed the probe and left me to get dressed. I started to sob uncontrollably. The rest of the day was a blur. I had to break the news to my poor husband over the phone, sitting on the ground in a parking lot. I don't even know how I managed the 1/2 hour drive home, I don't even remember driving. I called my Mom and she was scared. More scared than I have ever known her to be.
My phone rang all day, I couldn't bring myself to answer it. I don't want to talk to anyone. Mostly because people don't know what to say to me, and I don't have much to say to them. I know I am miserable and bitter and angry.
All I can say is that I love my husband more than anything in the entire world. He is such an amazing man and I am so very lucky to be his wife and to have his love and support. I know he is hurting, he told me yesterday that he is absolutely devastated, but is trying to be strong for me. I know that we will get through this together. But I also know I will never be the same. Something was taken from me yesterday and I know I will never get it back. Maybe it was the last of my innocence. I don't know.
Tomorrow, I will have a surgical procedure to remove my baby from my body.
Monday, May 18, 2009
I am really grossed out by these birds living in my attic, but what am I supposed to do? Throw the baby birds into the wild? I couldn't! They are too young and need their momma bird. Oh well, they will be long gone by the time Baby Rootbeer comes.
While the boys were workin' hard on the air conditioning, I got out of there as fast as humanly possible. I spent the day with three fabulous nesties! We met at the Roosevelt Square Mall in Long Island, for a fun-filled day of shopping, spinach artichoke dip, and chocolate covered gummy bears. It was awesome! Check out some of our pics below!
Bubba, Thusa, Me and Weeeeee :)
The low point of the day HAD to have been on my drive home. After we got to Thusa's, I jumped in my car for my hour drive home. I was on my way to the highway, driving down a dirt road when morning sickness suddenly came over me. I couldn't pull over because the road was literally not large enough for another car to pass me! So, being the resourceful woman that I am, I reached into the backseat and found a paper bag to vomit into, while still driving. Noone can ever say I am not multi -talented. I called Mr. Rootbeer to tell him I was on my way home, and what had happened and he laughed at me for about 5 full minutes. Thanks Mr. Rootbeer, thanks.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Besides the yummy pizza, yesterday was a terrible day for morning sickness. I woke up at 4:00am for a meeting and hopped in the shower. As I was washing my hair I started feeling a little dizzy and lightheaded. Before I knew it, I was throwing up in the shower. I had to get to work for a 6:30am meeting, so after dry heaving for about an hour, I managed to get myself dressed and ready to go. I rushed out the door, drove to work, and walked in to a dark, empty conference room. ?????
The meeting had been cancelled the night before, and nobody bothered to let me know. I found this out after sitting at a coworkers desk for 20 minutes texting and calling everyone I could to find out what w as going on. When I finally got the news it was 6:50, I locked up the office, and headed home. On the way home, I called my Mom and started to cry hysterically. These hormones are really starting to get to me. I was so upset because I realyl could have used the extra sleep and I was so mad that noone called me. I ended up getting back into bed with Mr. Rootbeer, he is amazing. When I came into the room crying like a big baby I woke him up and scared him, he pulled me into bed and scratched my back until I fell asleep and got an extra hour of sleep. By the time I went back to work I was over it. But the nausea wasn't done with me. I felt like I was going to puke all day long. But I didn't. I kind of wish I had. I feel better once I do most times.
Tomorrow I am going on a special day trip with some very special ladies. I will reveal more with pictures on Monday. And while I am gone, Mr. Rootbeer, my dad, and some friends will be installing our central air. THANK SWEET BABY JESUS! I cannot go through another summer sweating, and especially not this summer carrying an extra 20 lbs or so around.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
In other news, my TTC sidekick Bubbalini is knocked up!!! I am so excited for her, and also for me :) I secretly hoped we would end up being pregnant together. Even if our pregnancies only overlapped for a few months, but it worked out better than I could have planned. We are 15 days apart. It is so perfect. We shared the majority of the experience of trying to concieve our first children and now we are going to share the experience of having our first children. I never thought I would meet someone online and become such amazing friends and support systems for each other in such a short amount of time. I am going to pray every night for the safe and healthy deliveries of our babies.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
In other news, morning sickness reared its ugly head yesterday. I woke up in the middle of the night feeling really nauseated. When I finally got out of bed and brushed my teeth I started dry heaving in the sink...disgusting. The thought of brushing my teeth makes my mouth water and not in a good way.
Let me just say I am not complaining, I am so happy to be pregnant with this baby. I pray every night before I fall asleep that the baby will stick and we will make it safely into the second trimester. I just need to hear Baby Rootbeer's heartbeat. I know that will be the most amazing sound I will ever hear in my life until I hear my baby cry for the first time.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
In other news, we have had some recent visitors in the form of raccoons. Apparently they were huge fans of the stuffed shells I made Sunday night. Gross.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Saturday, May 2, 2009
I called my OB on Tuesday and told them I had a postive HPT. They told me to stop by on Thursday so that they could do a blood test to confirm. So, Thursday came and I ran over to the Dr. and they took some blood. They also scheduled an appointment for our first ultrasound. May 20th! I was floating on a cloud after I left. I feel great and I can't wait to hear Baby Rootbeer's heartbeat. I will be 7 weeks on May 20th, that seems a little early to me for an ultrasound, but I won't complain. The receptionist told me to call Friday morning around 9:30 for the results of the blood test.
Friday morning I came to work and was counting the minutes til 9:30, when it finally came I dialed the number and had butterflies in my stomach. The receptionist said she would call me back in a few minutes with the results. 11:30 rolled around and I still hadn't heard anything, and being as impatient as I am, I called again. She put me on hold and said I need to speak to the nurse. The nurse came on and said, you are pregnant, but very early on. Duh, I know this lady. She said my beta came back at 86. She said they want me to come in Monday for more bloodwork and then again in another week. Then she asked me again when was my LMP, I told her March 31st, and she says "hmmmmm...that can't be right." So I asked "why not?" And then she said "so then you aren't even late yet." I told her that my period was due last Sunday April 26th and that my cycles are 26 days. So I will go in tomorrow for another beta and pray that the number has doubled.