May 20, 2009

Tuesday I had some light spotting and cramping, I decided to call the Dr. in the late afternoon, just to be safe. They told me to call Wednesday morning and let them know if I had any more spotting. I barely slept Tuesday night, I must have woken up 20 times in the middle of the night to check. I was so worried about the possibility of something being wrong, but I honestly thought everything was ok.

Wednesday morning I called the Dr.'s office and told the nurse that I had a little spotting the night before but nothing today. She told me to come in at 10:30 and I would seeing Dr. L. She said that this was just for reassurance and I shouldn't worry. She said he may want to send me for some bloodwork. She said to come to the NH office, I knew the ultrasound machine is in the H office, so I didn't think I would be having an ultrasound. I called Mr. Rootbeer and told him about the appointment. I knew he wouldn't be able to make the appointment because he was an hour away and he still had customers to see in that area, and although I was nervous, I was sure everything would be ok. And it was then that I made one of the dumbest decisions. Mr. Rootbeer and I work for our families business, and I could have decided to have him leave and rush to the appointment with me. But I was thinking as a business owner at that point, and not as a wife. I was thinking with my left brain at that moment, and not with my right. I have always had an independent streak. I have always known that I could do things on my own. I figured someday it would bite me in the ass, well that day was yesterday. I didn't reschedule my husbands' appointments, I didn't call my Mom and tell her I had an appointment, I didn't beg my friend who worked down the street to meet me, I just hopped in my car and drove myself.

I had never met Dr. L before. In fact, this was my first time seeing anyone at this practice because I switched practices a few weeks ago. I went in to see the Dr and I was calm. He was very nice, and exactly what I wanted in a Dr, I thought to myself, I would love for this Dr to deliver my baby. The baby I assumed was growing and thriving inside my belly.

Dr. L said he was going to do an ultrasound, I stupidly thought it was so sad that I was going to see our baby for the first time without my husband, but Dr. L assured me he would give me plenty of pictures to bring home for him. We headed for the ultrasound room, I undressed, sat on the exam table, and waited. It was right then that I remembered why I was there, I remembered the spotting and the cramping. I started to pray. I prayed that the baby would be on that huge screen in front of me, with its tiny heart beating away.

Dr. L came in, and I watched the screen nervously. I knew something wasn't right almost immediately. Maybe because I could see the nurse biting her lip and glancing nervously from the Dr. to me, and back again. And then he started to talk...

Mrs. Rootbeer, let me explain to you what you are looking at. Blah, blah blah...your baby has stopped growing....blah blah blah...there is no heartbeat...blah blah blah....I can't remember what else was said.

I lost my shit. I was alone and staring at a 51 inch image of my dead baby inside of me. I started to cry. They handed me tissues, removed the probe and left me to get dressed. I started to sob uncontrollably. The rest of the day was a blur. I had to break the news to my poor husband over the phone, sitting on the ground in a parking lot. I don't even know how I managed the 1/2 hour drive home, I don't even remember driving. I called my Mom and she was scared. More scared than I have ever known her to be.

My phone rang all day, I couldn't bring myself to answer it. I don't want to talk to anyone. Mostly because people don't know what to say to me, and I don't have much to say to them. I know I am miserable and bitter and angry.

All I can say is that I love my husband more than anything in the entire world. He is such an amazing man and I am so very lucky to be his wife and to have his love and support. I know he is hurting, he told me yesterday that he is absolutely devastated, but is trying to be strong for me. I know that we will get through this together. But I also know I will never be the same. Something was taken from me yesterday and I know I will never get it back. Maybe it was the last of my innocence. I don't know.

Tomorrow, I will have a surgical procedure to remove my baby from my body.