So I guess I will stop counting down the days until I stop sweating like a whore in church, since Krista waltzed in here and rained all over my "I'm almost done feeling like this" parade.
But it's really ok people.
I will live.
And now the fun starts.
FUN = peeing on sticks (the opk kind of course.)
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Clomid Day 4
One more day of this shit.
I went to a lunch meeting today with some colleagues.
It was lovely.
I purposefully wore a light sweater due to my perspiration issues.
All of the sudden, I felt a heat wave coming over me. My cheeks and ears were FLAMING. And I was in the middle of a sentence.
And next thing I knew, I had tears in my eyes...
WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME?
Thankfully noone really noticed.
Also, Mr. Rootbeer and I had a really great talk last night.
I am so very lucky to have him.
I am craaazay.
Again...blame the clomid. :P
I went to a lunch meeting today with some colleagues.
It was lovely.
I purposefully wore a light sweater due to my perspiration issues.
All of the sudden, I felt a heat wave coming over me. My cheeks and ears were FLAMING. And I was in the middle of a sentence.
And next thing I knew, I had tears in my eyes...
WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME?
Thankfully noone really noticed.
Also, Mr. Rootbeer and I had a really great talk last night.
I am so very lucky to have him.
I am craaazay.
Again...blame the clomid. :P
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Clomid Day 3
I shouldn't be complaining about the clomid.
It really isn't that bad.
I have been through a lot worse this past year.
Which makes me wonder...why am I complaining about it?
I should be happy to take it. Cramps, bloating, headaches, and profuse sweating are worth having a baby. Right?
The truth is I'm scared.
Scared it won't work.
Scared it will.
Scared of the effect that this is having on my marriage.
In some senses I know that the journey we have traveled in the last year has bonded us. Bonded us beyond what I believe the average couple reaches in their first year of marriage.
In another sense it has also torn us apart.
I used to feel like Mr. Rootbeer got me. Ya know?
Like he was the only one who really understood me.
And now, even though we are united by the greif and disappointment of the past, I feel alone.
Alone in a way I have never felt before.
I just want it to all go back to the way it was before.
Sometimes I think about giving up. Saying fuck it. Going back on the pill.
But I don't think that would help.
Our only choice is to keep pushing forward and trust that God has a plan for us.
Sorry I am such a debbie downer today...blame it on the clomid.
It really isn't that bad.
I have been through a lot worse this past year.
Which makes me wonder...why am I complaining about it?
I should be happy to take it. Cramps, bloating, headaches, and profuse sweating are worth having a baby. Right?
The truth is I'm scared.
Scared it won't work.
Scared it will.
Scared of the effect that this is having on my marriage.
In some senses I know that the journey we have traveled in the last year has bonded us. Bonded us beyond what I believe the average couple reaches in their first year of marriage.
In another sense it has also torn us apart.
I used to feel like Mr. Rootbeer got me. Ya know?
Like he was the only one who really understood me.
And now, even though we are united by the greif and disappointment of the past, I feel alone.
Alone in a way I have never felt before.
I just want it to all go back to the way it was before.
Sometimes I think about giving up. Saying fuck it. Going back on the pill.
But I don't think that would help.
Our only choice is to keep pushing forward and trust that God has a plan for us.
Sorry I am such a debbie downer today...blame it on the clomid.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Clomid Day 2
I have to tell you, I didn't think I would have any side effects the first day....boy, was I wrong.
HOLY HOT FLASHES.
It didn't really hit me until I got into bed and snuggled up against Mr. Rootbeer. I wore the usual to bed, one of Mr. R's t-shirts, and I got under the covers and fell asleep.
About 5 minutes later I was awakened by the fact that my entire body felt like it was ON FIRE.
Like I had a fever.
So, I ripped the covers off and fell back asleep. I did not wake up again until 6:00 am this morning only to find myself SOAKING.FUCKING.WET.
hair - WET.
t-shirt - WET.
top of the comforter - WET.
I am sure you find this as disgusting as I do.
And, of course, I showered before bed last night.
Soooooo, I was late to work. And it's Monday.
GRRRRRRRRRR
I'm cranky today.
HOLY HOT FLASHES.
It didn't really hit me until I got into bed and snuggled up against Mr. Rootbeer. I wore the usual to bed, one of Mr. R's t-shirts, and I got under the covers and fell asleep.
About 5 minutes later I was awakened by the fact that my entire body felt like it was ON FIRE.
Like I had a fever.
So, I ripped the covers off and fell back asleep. I did not wake up again until 6:00 am this morning only to find myself SOAKING.FUCKING.WET.
hair - WET.
t-shirt - WET.
top of the comforter - WET.
I am sure you find this as disgusting as I do.
And, of course, I showered before bed last night.
Soooooo, I was late to work. And it's Monday.
GRRRRRRRRRR
I'm cranky today.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Clomid Day 1
OK internets. I know you're all prolly pissed. I apologize for not updating sooner, but the truth is that I had this great post in the works about my very first trip to Whole Foods, and how AF finally came, and how Dr. JustRelax gave me clomid for my birthday. But blogger lost it.
So, don't be mad at me. Be mad at blogger.
Anyway, so yeah. Dr. JustRelax stepped up his game. I called him on Tuesday to let him know that I was finally bleeding and he wrote me a prescription for clomid.
Crazy shit huh?
So, here I am...sitting on my new comfy couch, staring at the little pill sitting in front of me.
The plan is to do chart and use OPK's this cycle. But, I was supposed to start temping already, and so far that has been a HUGE FAIL.
I will start tomorrow. (probably not, I suck.)
But I will NOT be using the devil CBEFM.
Wish me luck, internets.
So, don't be mad at me. Be mad at blogger.
Anyway, so yeah. Dr. JustRelax stepped up his game. I called him on Tuesday to let him know that I was finally bleeding and he wrote me a prescription for clomid.
Crazy shit huh?
So, here I am...sitting on my new comfy couch, staring at the little pill sitting in front of me.
The plan is to do chart and use OPK's this cycle. But, I was supposed to start temping already, and so far that has been a HUGE FAIL.
I will start tomorrow. (probably not, I suck.)
But I will NOT be using the devil CBEFM.
Wish me luck, internets.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Flow Watch 2010
I hearby declare Flow Watch 2010 commence!
I don't think I have been this anxious to get a period since I had that little scare in highschool.
:shudders:
After consulting with some of the wisest women I know (BOTB 4EVER), I am leaning towards letting my period come naturally.
Don't get it twisted people, I am all for drugs in the right situation. (does anyone else not feel right even saying the phrase "the situation" anymore?)
Anyway, I don't think this is one of those situations.
Also, I am worried about the fact that Dr. JustRelax didn't mention anything about monitoring me on clomid, and that he hasn't done any testing.
So, friends, I think my days with Dr. JustRelax are numbered.
I can say with certainty that I will be charting again next cycle.
YUUUUCCCKKK
I HATE charting. I LOATHE it. Almost as much as I hate TTC.
Alas, it is the only way to know if I am ovulating for sure. AND bonus! I can stop using the devil CBEFM.
Readers, you are in for a treat.
I forsee a lot of bitching about charting in the near future. That is if my stubborn uterus ever decides to bleed.
I don't think I have been this anxious to get a period since I had that little scare in highschool.
:shudders:
After consulting with some of the wisest women I know (BOTB 4EVER), I am leaning towards letting my period come naturally.
Don't get it twisted people, I am all for drugs in the right situation. (does anyone else not feel right even saying the phrase "the situation" anymore?)
Anyway, I don't think this is one of those situations.
Also, I am worried about the fact that Dr. JustRelax didn't mention anything about monitoring me on clomid, and that he hasn't done any testing.
So, friends, I think my days with Dr. JustRelax are numbered.
I can say with certainty that I will be charting again next cycle.
YUUUUCCCKKK
I HATE charting. I LOATHE it. Almost as much as I hate TTC.
Alas, it is the only way to know if I am ovulating for sure. AND bonus! I can stop using the devil CBEFM.
Readers, you are in for a treat.
I forsee a lot of bitching about charting in the near future. That is if my stubborn uterus ever decides to bleed.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
I guess it is high time I update you, blog readers.
I am a week or so late for my period.
Don't get too excited. For, this is not good news. I am NOT PREGNANT.
I know this because my doc ordered a blood test on Monday morning, and it came back negative.
I am sure, right about now, you are all asking yourself the very question that has been dancing around in my pretty head for the past few days...
Why am I late?
The answer is unknown.
Did I ovulate?
Also unknown.
Why, you ask?
Because I stopped using the devil CBEFM on CD 20 when I did not see a peak fertility reading. Because I took the advice of my doc. (who will be called Dr. JustRelax from here forward)
You see, I called Dr. JustRelax last month when my period came. I was a hot crying mess of a patient. And Dr. JustRelax told me to...you guessed it. Relax, get a bottle of wine, light some candles, and see how that worked.
And, me, being the asshole I am, I listened.
And do you know what?
I have no fucking clue what happened this cycle. Which is clearly a problem, since today is CD 37.
Allow me to share with you, internet, how this convo went down yesterday.
ps. yesterday was also Baby Rootbeer's EDD.
pps. I had a long post written about it, but deleted it. Because it was a ranting raving mess and you all wouldn't have wanted to read it anyway. TRUST.
OK, I digress.
So here it is, and I am warning you now, that I will spare no details.
Monday Morning...
Mrs. R: Oh Hi! I am a pateint of Dr. JustRelax's and I am calling because I am a week late for my monthly gift *insert eyeroll here* and I am not sure what's going on.
Lori (AKA the nicest receptionist ever): Oh hi Mrs. Rootbeer, let me just pull your chart.
Silence
Lori: OK well Dr. JustRelax isn't here today because Dr's don't come back to work the Monday after New Year's like the rest of the world. (OK maybe she really didn't say the last part, but I know that's what she meant. ) but I am going to have you go down to have blood drawn. Due to your history, it is important to know if you are in fact pregnant.
Mrs. R: Ok, I will go now then.
And off I went. Straight to the lab, where I proceeded to wait in the waiting room amongst 14 coughing old people. (I am not exaggerating)
After about 45 minutes of covering my mouth and nose for fear of swine, I was in the chair getting the blood drawn.
Tuesday Morning...
:phone rings:
Mrs. R: Hello?????
Lori: Hi Mrs. R it's Lori. I am calling to let you know your bloodwork came back negative.
Mrs. R: Thank you for calling. (and ruining my already horrible, most dreaded day of the year) So Lori, what should I do about the fact that I am still not bleeding?
Lori: Well, I will have to have Dr. JustRelax call you.
An hour later...
:phone rings:
Mrs. R: Holla
Dr. JustRelax: Hey Mrs. R , it's Dr. JustRelax.
Mrs. R: Oh hey, so I guess you got the results of my bloodwork?
Dr. JustRelax: Yes, yes I did. And how late are you?
Mrs R: about a week now
Dr. JustRelax: and that is unusual for you right?
Mrs. R: yes
Dr. JustRelax: OK well what do you want to do?
***at this moment my mind started reeling....what do I want to do? Is this man really asking me this? Should I tell him that I have seriously contemplated hiring elves to steal Mr. Rootbeer's semen in the middle of the night so that I can squirt it up my vadge with a turkey baster? Or that I have had suspicions about whether I have been ovulating for a few months now***
Mrs. R: Well, what are my options? (this was a better answer, no?)
Dr. JR: Well, you can relax and see if your period comes on its own or I can give you a pill to make it come.
*THIS IS WHERE PURE MAGIC HAPPENED PEOPLE. Something inside me snapped. I am sick of everybody's advice, including Dr. JustRelax. I am sick of floundering through TTC, I am sick of TTC period.*
Mrs. R: Here's what we are going to do. Let's wait a week and see if my period comes on its own, and I will call you next Tuesday if it does not.
Dr. JR: That seems reasonable.
Mrs. R: ok well now that we have that squared away, I am not sure I ovulated this cycle, and I have had suspicions about this for a while now...
Dr. JR: Well, don't you use that monitor?
Mrs. R: YOU TOLD ME TO JUST RELAX!
Dr. JR: ok well if you are not ovulating, I can make you ovulate.
Mrs. R: :chuckle: Oh really? How?
Dr. JR: with a pill called Clomid. I'm sure you've already read all about it? (translation: I know you are one of those annoying chicks who researches everything on the internet)
Mrs. R: Actually, Dr JustRelax, I don't know very much about Clomid. (translation: hahahahaha you're wrong because I haven't even read about clomid and now I am going to run over to the nearest computer and read all the info available and by the next time we talk I will be an expert on clomid but I haven't yet so youre wrong hahahaha)
Dr. JR: well, clomid is a mild fertility treatment, and it does have a few side effects, but the most promiment one is that it doubles your risk of having twins.
Mrs. R: Well, beggars can't be choosers, right?
Dr. JR: Let's get you a period and then you can come in and we can discuss the options you have.
:end scene:
So, there you have it folks, it looks like my blog will be taking a turn in a different direction in 2010.
Infertility.
Thoughts?
I am a week or so late for my period.
Don't get too excited. For, this is not good news. I am NOT PREGNANT.
I know this because my doc ordered a blood test on Monday morning, and it came back negative.
I am sure, right about now, you are all asking yourself the very question that has been dancing around in my pretty head for the past few days...
Why am I late?
The answer is unknown.
Did I ovulate?
Also unknown.
Why, you ask?
Because I stopped using the devil CBEFM on CD 20 when I did not see a peak fertility reading. Because I took the advice of my doc. (who will be called Dr. JustRelax from here forward)
You see, I called Dr. JustRelax last month when my period came. I was a hot crying mess of a patient. And Dr. JustRelax told me to...you guessed it. Relax, get a bottle of wine, light some candles, and see how that worked.
And, me, being the asshole I am, I listened.
And do you know what?
I have no fucking clue what happened this cycle. Which is clearly a problem, since today is CD 37.
Allow me to share with you, internet, how this convo went down yesterday.
ps. yesterday was also Baby Rootbeer's EDD.
pps. I had a long post written about it, but deleted it. Because it was a ranting raving mess and you all wouldn't have wanted to read it anyway. TRUST.
OK, I digress.
So here it is, and I am warning you now, that I will spare no details.
Monday Morning...
Mrs. R: Oh Hi! I am a pateint of Dr. JustRelax's and I am calling because I am a week late for my monthly gift *insert eyeroll here* and I am not sure what's going on.
Lori (AKA the nicest receptionist ever): Oh hi Mrs. Rootbeer, let me just pull your chart.
Silence
Lori: OK well Dr. JustRelax isn't here today because Dr's don't come back to work the Monday after New Year's like the rest of the world. (OK maybe she really didn't say the last part, but I know that's what she meant. ) but I am going to have you go down to have blood drawn. Due to your history, it is important to know if you are in fact pregnant.
Mrs. R: Ok, I will go now then.
And off I went. Straight to the lab, where I proceeded to wait in the waiting room amongst 14 coughing old people. (I am not exaggerating)
After about 45 minutes of covering my mouth and nose for fear of swine, I was in the chair getting the blood drawn.
Tuesday Morning...
:phone rings:
Mrs. R: Hello?????
Lori: Hi Mrs. R it's Lori. I am calling to let you know your bloodwork came back negative.
Mrs. R: Thank you for calling. (and ruining my already horrible, most dreaded day of the year) So Lori, what should I do about the fact that I am still not bleeding?
Lori: Well, I will have to have Dr. JustRelax call you.
An hour later...
:phone rings:
Mrs. R: Holla
Dr. JustRelax: Hey Mrs. R , it's Dr. JustRelax.
Mrs. R: Oh hey, so I guess you got the results of my bloodwork?
Dr. JustRelax: Yes, yes I did. And how late are you?
Mrs R: about a week now
Dr. JustRelax: and that is unusual for you right?
Mrs. R: yes
Dr. JustRelax: OK well what do you want to do?
***at this moment my mind started reeling....what do I want to do? Is this man really asking me this? Should I tell him that I have seriously contemplated hiring elves to steal Mr. Rootbeer's semen in the middle of the night so that I can squirt it up my vadge with a turkey baster? Or that I have had suspicions about whether I have been ovulating for a few months now***
Mrs. R: Well, what are my options? (this was a better answer, no?)
Dr. JR: Well, you can relax and see if your period comes on its own or I can give you a pill to make it come.
*THIS IS WHERE PURE MAGIC HAPPENED PEOPLE. Something inside me snapped. I am sick of everybody's advice, including Dr. JustRelax. I am sick of floundering through TTC, I am sick of TTC period.*
Mrs. R: Here's what we are going to do. Let's wait a week and see if my period comes on its own, and I will call you next Tuesday if it does not.
Dr. JR: That seems reasonable.
Mrs. R: ok well now that we have that squared away, I am not sure I ovulated this cycle, and I have had suspicions about this for a while now...
Dr. JR: Well, don't you use that monitor?
Mrs. R: YOU TOLD ME TO JUST RELAX!
Dr. JR: ok well if you are not ovulating, I can make you ovulate.
Mrs. R: :chuckle: Oh really? How?
Dr. JR: with a pill called Clomid. I'm sure you've already read all about it? (translation: I know you are one of those annoying chicks who researches everything on the internet)
Mrs. R: Actually, Dr JustRelax, I don't know very much about Clomid. (translation: hahahahaha you're wrong because I haven't even read about clomid and now I am going to run over to the nearest computer and read all the info available and by the next time we talk I will be an expert on clomid but I haven't yet so youre wrong hahahaha)
Dr. JR: well, clomid is a mild fertility treatment, and it does have a few side effects, but the most promiment one is that it doubles your risk of having twins.
Mrs. R: Well, beggars can't be choosers, right?
Dr. JR: Let's get you a period and then you can come in and we can discuss the options you have.
:end scene:
So, there you have it folks, it looks like my blog will be taking a turn in a different direction in 2010.
Infertility.
Thoughts?
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