I am thankful for...

my husband

the outreach and support of family, friends, e-friends, e-strangers

my puppies

my parents

my comfy bed

my gardens

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next." Gilda Ratner

Helter Skelter

That is what this post will be, a mish moshed rambing of a whole bunch of random shit. I promise that the entire entry won't be depressing and bitter. I will work my way up to the good stuff. I will warn you that my emotions are raw. You may not like what you read.

People say really dumb shit to you after they learn you have had a miscarriage. And at this point in the game, I am not excelling at filtering my responses.

"At least you know you can get pregnant." - That's a good one. Probably the most common one I have heard. My response to this is usually "What is your point?"

"This too shall pass." - Ok, the first 2 times I heard this one, I wasn't really sure what the intentional meaning was...so the 3rd, 4th, 5th...times I responded with "What exactly do you mean?" I mean really, what is that supposed to mean? I am not being sarcastic, I am being as serious as a heart attack.

"This is God's plan for you." - Let me begin by saying that this is the only one on the list that actually makes sense. In fact, my faith in God is the second most important thing getting me through this right now. My amazing husband is the first. The only reason that it is even on this list is because it makes me mad. And it makes me mad because I am mad at God right now. Yup, little Mrs. Rootbeer is mad at God. I am mad at him because women who smoke crack and don't take prenatals have perfectly healthy pregnancies, and I lost a baby. I took my vitamins, I didn't smoke crack. See my point? No? I don't care. Oh yeah, and I don't even respond to this one I just roll my eyes. It's really the best I can do.

"Now you guys can practice." - I am assuming this is a "cute" way of saying we have an excuse to have sex now. Hmmm...last time I checked we didn't need any other excuse besides the fact that we like to. Glad we got that one out of the way. I roll my eyes at this one too.

Ohhhh I got a good one...

"You know, having a miscarriage is as common as having your wisdom teeth removed." - I have only heard this little gem once. I was caught a little off guard, so I said, "Ok well they can remove all my teeth and give me my baby back." Yeah, can you say uncomfortable?

This next one really hurts my feelings and makes me want to cry everytime I hear it...

"Well, at least this happened now, your body knows something wasn't developing right." - Ok, there is a pretty strong possibility that my body did what is is supposed to do and naturally terminated the pregnancy. I know and understand this. But there is no need to mention it. Also, when you say it like that, you are presuming that I would not have had this baby if there were such a complication and my body had allowed the baby to develop a heartbeat. Which is wrong. I would not terminate a pregnancy for any reason. It is my own choice and it's none of your business. So just don't say that. Ok?

And this one today was my fav...

"It just wasn't the right time, hunny, ya know? The economy is so shitty." - Bwahahahahahahahahaha yes, I laughed. There was nothing else to do. I laughed so hard I almost cried, and it felt so good.

And do you know what happened? She laughed too, kinda nervously, she was probably afraid I was losing my shit. But I really thought that was funny. So, right then and there I have decided that when someone says something dumb to me about my unfortunate situation, I am just going to laugh at them. Because it makes me feel better and it makes them feel bad, instead of me feeling bad because they have said one of the above phrases and them feeling better because they have offered me some sort of "wisdom."

And, let me also say that I know that people have no idea what to say to me right now. And I also know that 98.4% of the people saying these things are people that love me. They mean nothing but to comfort me, I am just bitter.

But really, they don't need to say much, all they need to say is "I'm sorry." And for all those women out there who have had perfectly healthy pregnancies and beautiful chubby babies, don't feel guilty when you talk to a woman who has gone through something like me, or something even worse. Feel lucky. Thank God. (or your lucky stars if you don't believe in God) Appreciate your blessings.

Ok enough about that. The good news is that after the D&C, my doctor prescribed me xanax. It is glorious, especially since I hadn't slept in two days.

On Saturday, Mr. Rootbeer and I decided it was time to get out of the house. So, we went to Lowe's. We bought TONS of flowers. Any flowers I wanted, I got. We got yellow grecian roses, lavander, lilacs, lilies, daisies, etc Mr. Rootbeer also wanted to re-mulch the gardens, so we did that as well. The yard looks amazing. I felt so accomplished. I got a total high from working as a team with my husband and seeing our backyard vision come to fruition. Here are some pics.

I think you all are probably sick of hearing about how unbelievable my husband is. But, you guessed it, I don't care. You should have married him. He is really that wonderful. And not only is he so friggen awesome, he is also really handsome. On Friday night he said something to the effect of "soon we can forget all of this ever happened." And I lost it, I started to cry and I told him I didn't want to forget my baby. So Saturday morning he gave me this gift:

It's a beautiful little angel charm for my bracelet. He said it was a little something for me to remember our baby. I love it. I love him.

Mr. Rootbeer loves to fish. So to show my appreciation for him, I accepted his invitation to go fishing yesterday. And guess what happened? I caught a freakin fish! A brown one, with spots! It was awesome, he was so proud of me. And I was very proud of myself. I wanted to take a picture holding it but I just couldn't touch it. So, I settled for a picture of Mr. Rootbeer holding the fish. Here are some pictures for your enjoyment:

This is a picture of Mr. Rootbeer waiting for me to hurry up. I had flip flops on and that path was covered with very pointy sticks and pine needles which did not agree with my choice of shoewear.

This is a picture of the beautiful pond we went to fish.

That's the fish I caught!!!

And for the rest of the weekend, I pretty much just did this...

I love my dogs. They are such good snugglers.

May 20, 2009

Tuesday I had some light spotting and cramping, I decided to call the Dr. in the late afternoon, just to be safe. They told me to call Wednesday morning and let them know if I had any more spotting. I barely slept Tuesday night, I must have woken up 20 times in the middle of the night to check. I was so worried about the possibility of something being wrong, but I honestly thought everything was ok.

Wednesday morning I called the Dr.'s office and told the nurse that I had a little spotting the night before but nothing today. She told me to come in at 10:30 and I would seeing Dr. L. She said that this was just for reassurance and I shouldn't worry. She said he may want to send me for some bloodwork. She said to come to the NH office, I knew the ultrasound machine is in the H office, so I didn't think I would be having an ultrasound. I called Mr. Rootbeer and told him about the appointment. I knew he wouldn't be able to make the appointment because he was an hour away and he still had customers to see in that area, and although I was nervous, I was sure everything would be ok. And it was then that I made one of the dumbest decisions. Mr. Rootbeer and I work for our families business, and I could have decided to have him leave and rush to the appointment with me. But I was thinking as a business owner at that point, and not as a wife. I was thinking with my left brain at that moment, and not with my right. I have always had an independent streak. I have always known that I could do things on my own. I figured someday it would bite me in the ass, well that day was yesterday. I didn't reschedule my husbands' appointments, I didn't call my Mom and tell her I had an appointment, I didn't beg my friend who worked down the street to meet me, I just hopped in my car and drove myself.

I had never met Dr. L before. In fact, this was my first time seeing anyone at this practice because I switched practices a few weeks ago. I went in to see the Dr and I was calm. He was very nice, and exactly what I wanted in a Dr, I thought to myself, I would love for this Dr to deliver my baby. The baby I assumed was growing and thriving inside my belly.

Dr. L said he was going to do an ultrasound, I stupidly thought it was so sad that I was going to see our baby for the first time without my husband, but Dr. L assured me he would give me plenty of pictures to bring home for him. We headed for the ultrasound room, I undressed, sat on the exam table, and waited. It was right then that I remembered why I was there, I remembered the spotting and the cramping. I started to pray. I prayed that the baby would be on that huge screen in front of me, with its tiny heart beating away.

Dr. L came in, and I watched the screen nervously. I knew something wasn't right almost immediately. Maybe because I could see the nurse biting her lip and glancing nervously from the Dr. to me, and back again. And then he started to talk...

Mrs. Rootbeer, let me explain to you what you are looking at. Blah, blah blah...your baby has stopped growing....blah blah blah...there is no heartbeat...blah blah blah....I can't remember what else was said.

I lost my shit. I was alone and staring at a 51 inch image of my dead baby inside of me. I started to cry. They handed me tissues, removed the probe and left me to get dressed. I started to sob uncontrollably. The rest of the day was a blur. I had to break the news to my poor husband over the phone, sitting on the ground in a parking lot. I don't even know how I managed the 1/2 hour drive home, I don't even remember driving. I called my Mom and she was scared. More scared than I have ever known her to be.

My phone rang all day, I couldn't bring myself to answer it. I don't want to talk to anyone. Mostly because people don't know what to say to me, and I don't have much to say to them. I know I am miserable and bitter and angry.

All I can say is that I love my husband more than anything in the entire world. He is such an amazing man and I am so very lucky to be his wife and to have his love and support. I know he is hurting, he told me yesterday that he is absolutely devastated, but is trying to be strong for me. I know that we will get through this together. But I also know I will never be the same. Something was taken from me yesterday and I know I will never get it back. Maybe it was the last of my innocence. I don't know.

Tomorrow, I will have a surgical procedure to remove my baby from my body.

Sunday Funday!

Chris along with some friends and family worked very hard on Sunday to install central air in our home. I can't wait to hit a button and not have to worry about sweating my pregnant ass off this summer. They went into the attic and they found a huge nest of birds! The momma bird was feeding the babies and it was the cutest thing I've ever seen. Well, I didn't exactly see it for myself, my Dad took pictures for me.

I am really grossed out by these birds living in my attic, but what am I supposed to do? Throw the baby birds into the wild? I couldn't! They are too young and need their momma bird. Oh well, they will be long gone by the time Baby Rootbeer comes.

While the boys were workin' hard on the air conditioning, I got out of there as fast as humanly possible. I spent the day with three fabulous nesties! We met at the Roosevelt Square Mall in Long Island, for a fun-filled day of shopping, spinach artichoke dip, and chocolate covered gummy bears. It was awesome! Check out some of our pics below!

Bubba, Thusa, Me and Weeeeee :)

The low point of the day HAD to have been on my drive home. After we got to Thusa's, I jumped in my car for my hour drive home. I was on my way to the highway, driving down a dirt road when morning sickness suddenly came over me. I couldn't pull over because the road was literally not large enough for another car to pass me! So, being the resourceful woman that I am, I reached into the backseat and found a paper bag to vomit into, while still driving. Noone can ever say I am not multi -talented. I called Mr. Rootbeer to tell him I was on my way home, and what had happened and he laughed at me for about 5 full minutes. Thanks Mr. Rootbeer, thanks.

Yummm

Mr. Rootbeer and I went out for pizza with his parents last night. We went to my fav pizza spot on the earth, Sally's in New Haven on Wooster Street. The crust is thin and crispy and the pizza literally melts in your mouth. I am drooling just thinking about it. Mr. Rootbeer and his Dad shared a sausage and peppers pie, and Mom and I shared a tomato, broccoli, and garlic white pie. I have some in the fridge at home waiting for me to eat it.

Besides the yummy pizza, yesterday was a terrible day for morning sickness. I woke up at 4:00am for a meeting and hopped in the shower. As I was washing my hair I started feeling a little dizzy and lightheaded. Before I knew it, I was throwing up in the shower. I had to get to work for a 6:30am meeting, so after dry heaving for about an hour, I managed to get myself dressed and ready to go. I rushed out the door, drove to work, and walked in to a dark, empty conference room. ?????

The meeting had been cancelled the night before, and nobody bothered to let me know. I found this out after sitting at a coworkers desk for 20 minutes texting and calling everyone I could to find out what w as going on. When I finally got the news it was 6:50, I locked up the office, and headed home. On the way home, I called my Mom and started to cry hysterically. These hormones are really starting to get to me. I was so upset because I realyl could have used the extra sleep and I was so mad that noone called me. I ended up getting back into bed with Mr. Rootbeer, he is amazing. When I came into the room crying like a big baby I woke him up and scared him, he pulled me into bed and scratched my back until I fell asleep and got an extra hour of sleep. By the time I went back to work I was over it. But the nausea wasn't done with me. I felt like I was going to puke all day long. But I didn't. I kind of wish I had. I feel better once I do most times.

Tomorrow I am going on a special day trip with some very special ladies. I will reveal more with pictures on Monday. And while I am gone, Mr. Rootbeer, my dad, and some friends will be installing our central air. THANK SWEET BABY JESUS! I cannot go through another summer sweating, and especially not this summer carrying an extra 20 lbs or so around.

Baby Maxim

Mr. Rootbeer and I will be watching a friend's baby tonight. His name is Maxim, and he is the custest little thing ever. I am so excited. I offered to watch him to give his Momma a break to go get a much needed and even more deserved manicure. Wish me luck!

Brotherly Love

I have been dying to tell my little brother that Baby Rootbeer is on the way. He has been away at college for the past few months and this will be his first neice/nephew. My brother and I are really close and I knew he would be so excited. So on Monday after his last final my Dad drove to Rhode Island to pick him up for the summer. He came over and I broke the news. He was so excited!!! So excited, in fact, that the next day he posted it on his facebook page. We have decided not to tell everyone until we have our first appointment, so I called him and make him take it down immediatelty. Thank god I caught it early on.

In other news, my TTC sidekick Bubbalini is knocked up!!! I am so excited for her, and also for me :) I secretly hoped we would end up being pregnant together. Even if our pregnancies only overlapped for a few months, but it worked out better than I could have planned. We are 15 days apart. It is so perfect. We shared the majority of the experience of trying to concieve our first children and now we are going to share the experience of having our first children. I never thought I would meet someone online and become such amazing friends and support systems for each other in such a short amount of time. I am going to pray every night for the safe and healthy deliveries of our babies.

5 week bloat pic

My first "belly" pic, although it's all bloat. I know this because I can barely zip my pants and I have lost 3 lbs. I am pretty sure people at work think I am getting fat. They see me stuffing my face all day long and I am sure they notice me pulling uncomfortably at my clothes, especially my pants. I am going to get a bella band this weekend. I don't care if I am only 5 1/2 weeks, my stomach is officially no longer flat and I am not going to have my pants leaving red marks on my tummy everyday for the sake of not caving to the bella band.

In other news, morning sickness reared its ugly head yesterday. I woke up in the middle of the night feeling really nauseated. When I finally got out of bed and brushed my teeth I started dry heaving in the sink...disgusting. The thought of brushing my teeth makes my mouth water and not in a good way.

Let me just say I am not complaining, I am so happy to be pregnant with this baby. I pray every night before I fall asleep that the baby will stick and we will make it safely into the second trimester. I just need to hear Baby Rootbeer's heartbeat. I know that will be the most amazing sound I will ever hear in my life until I hear my baby cry for the first time.

Dream a little dream

I have had two glorious dreams about Baby Rootbeer so far. Both times I woke up so happy. Last night I dreamt that Mr. Rootbeer and I went for the big ultrasound and the Dr was unable to see if Baby Rootbeer was a boy or a girl. So, we came home and painted both bedrooms, one pink and one blue. just in case.

In other news, we have had some recent visitors in the form of raccoons. Apparently they were huge fans of the stuffed shells I made Sunday night. Gross.

2nd beta is back

Hcg went from 86 on Thursday to 342 Today! Perfect! Baby Rootbeer is doing excellent!!!

Bye Bye Birdie!

I switched my Dr today. I had to, this was getting out of control and I was feeling so weighed down by the whole thing. After going for my second set of bloodwork today I have had enough. They actually told me to stop reading books. Um...NO. I read, that's what I do. If you want uneducated patients, then I guess we are not a good fit. She also told me she doesn't care for birth plans. This is all wrong. I always liked her, but things are different now, we aren't sitting in her office throwing around different birth control options. Also, she only delivers at one hospital and this isn't the hospital I ever wanted to deliver in. Yale is 15 minutes from me. I always wanted to deliver at Yale. If god forbid, something were to happen with Baby Rootbeer I would want to be in the best hospital. If I needed a c-section, where would I want to be? I have decided to start looking for a midwife. After reading a nestie's blog about her midwife experience, I know that's what I am looking for.

Holy Pregnancy Pimples

I have zits. One huge zit on my face, right below my nose. It is seriously the biggest zit I have EVER had. And apparently Clearsil is out of the question now. I also have one on my arm! Yes that's right, my arm. I also have two sprouting up on my hairline. This is just great. I feel like I am 13 again. I really hope that this isn't going to last my whole pregnancy.



I called my OB on Tuesday and told them I had a postive HPT. They told me to stop by on Thursday so that they could do a blood test to confirm. So, Thursday came and I ran over to the Dr. and they took some blood. They also scheduled an appointment for our first ultrasound. May 20th! I was floating on a cloud after I left. I feel great and I can't wait to hear Baby Rootbeer's heartbeat. I will be 7 weeks on May 20th, that seems a little early to me for an ultrasound, but I won't complain. The receptionist told me to call Friday morning around 9:30 for the results of the blood test.



Friday morning I came to work and was counting the minutes til 9:30, when it finally came I dialed the number and had butterflies in my stomach. The receptionist said she would call me back in a few minutes with the results. 11:30 rolled around and I still hadn't heard anything, and being as impatient as I am, I called again. She put me on hold and said I need to speak to the nurse. The nurse came on and said, you are pregnant, but very early on. Duh, I know this lady. She said my beta came back at 86. She said they want me to come in Monday for more bloodwork and then again in another week. Then she asked me again when was my LMP, I told her March 31st, and she says "hmmmmm...that can't be right." So I asked "why not?" And then she said "so then you aren't even late yet." I told her that my period was due last Sunday April 26th and that my cycles are 26 days. So I will go in tomorrow for another beta and pray that the number has doubled.