Dreamweaver

I had a dream last night I was pregnant again. It brought back a whole slew of emotions. The good news is that I woke up happier than I have been in a while. I haven't been that heppy since I actually was pregnant. I forgot how wonderful it felt to be pregnant. To feel that little baby inside me and know that it was a product of our love. I can't wait to feel that again.

In other news, Mr. Rootbeer and I talked some more. I told him that I need to chart. Charting makes me feel as if I have some kind of control over my body and my cycles. So, I will be charting...I think. I'm confused. Don't mind me.

The "talk"

I received a text message from Mr. Rootbeer yesterday saying he wanted to "talk" when we got home. Excellent. This is never good. I had a funny feeling it was going to be about TTC. I must be psychic. When I came home we spent some time chatting about each of our days, and Mr. Rootbeer ate dinner which he had made for himself since I had a working dinner meeting.

Deep down I knew this was coming. Mr. Rootbeer is not much of a verbal communicator, however I have become increasingly comptetent at deciphering his non-verbal cues. I had this feeling all day long that this was not going to be a talk I really want to have. I worried that he would tell me that after the miscarriage, he isn't sure he wants to TTC again. I knew this "talk" was TTC related, because as I get closer to this cycle being over and closer to the time we decided we would TTC again, I can feel the tension rising. I knew there was something he has been wanting to say and hasn't. It took a lot of poking around for him to finally tell me that he would rather me not start temping and charting again. Which I am ok with. My OCD tendencies tell me that charting is the only road to conception, but I know that isn't true.

So no more charting for me, which is relieving.

8 weeks later

It has been 8 weeks since the D&C. I feel so much better than last week. I am almost afraid to type those words. Everytime I think that I am finally doing better, I regress. Everytime I feel accomplished for taking 5 steps forward, I take 2 back. I know this is "normal"...there's that word again. I understand this is a natural step in the process of grieving. Anywho, I am feeling good this week, and I attribute this to two things. One being that this cycle is almost over and we are getting closer to TTC again every day. The other being how much I have accomplished in terms of my house being organized and clean thanks to the FLYlady.

I am excited and scared to death of TTC again at the same time. I want to get pregnant again. I cannot wait to feel tired, bloated, and nauseous all over again, as long as it leads to a healthy baby. But at the same time I am scared. Scared of another miscarriage. Scared it will take another 6 cycles to even get pregnant again. Scared that when I do get pregnant I will be a nervous wreck and not be able to enjoy it. Some of this I have control over. I need to be patient and let things happen. I truly believe we will have our baby soon. And when I am pregnant again, I need to just enjoy every day for what it is. A blessing.

7 Weeks Later

It's been just over 7 weeks since we lost Baby Rootbeer. I feel like I should be doing better. Most days are pretty good. But truthfully I am sad to my core. Even when I am happy, or having fun, I am still sad in some way. The odd part is that it doesn't translate into my life as sadness, but rather as anger. Which sucks, because being angry does not feel good. It makes me feel guilty because the sources and targets of my anger are usually undeserving strangers that have done nothing besides procreate. The shrink says that everything I am feeling is normal. Fantastic. The trouble with that is that it doesn't feel normal. It feels so far from normal.

My cousin's baby shower is today. I am not going. I decided it was best for everyone, including myself, if I stayed behind. I lost my shit at a graduation party last week, case closed no baby showers for me.

I go to work everyday, I go out with friends and with my husband. I see family. I clean my house. I have definitely made progress. I am just not 100%. It's not that I go around yelling and being mean to pregnant people and people with kids, it's more on the inside.

Mr. Rootbeer doesn't want to TTC again until my next cycle. The doctor mentioned that would be optimal, and since I know Mr. Rootbeer is terrified I will miscarry again, we are waiting. I don't want to wait, but I am. I pray that some of this anger will go away when we do get pregnant again. But for now, it's a waiting game. I am happy to report however, that we are having a ton of sex. It's pretty awesome.

Spring Cleaning in July

Mr. Rootbeer and I are working on getting our home back in order. Since the miscarriage things have spiraled out of control in regard to household chores and such. 6 weeks of not doing anything around the house results in one thing...chaos. Laundry piled up everywhere, miscellaneous items all over the countertop, cobwebs lurking in every corner, and little sticky things on the floor that grab on to your bare feet or socks when you walk. GROSS.



Don't fret ladies and gentlemen. I have a plan. I always have a plan. I have enlisted the help of two wonderful ladies to help me...Mrs. Meyer and the FlyLady.



I am completely OBSESSED with Mrs. Meyer's a clean day products. I, myself, am partial to the lavander scent. However, it is available in other amazing scents like geranium, basil, lemon verbana, and even a baby product line. I love love love the scent of the lavander after I clean a room in my home. I started with purchasing the countertop spray, and loved it so much, I sprung for the all purpose solution, which I use on anything and everything in my house. This stuff cleans my stainless steel cooktop like nothing else. I have bought countless specialty stainless steel cleaners and nothing even comes close. So anywho, this stuff is fabulous. Check out her stuff here: http://www.mrsmeyers.com/ I buy mine at Target btw.



OK so let's talk about the FlyLady. I was catching up on my blogs this morning, when I came across a comment mentioning the FlyLady. This chick is definitely going to whip my disorganized ass into shape. If your house is cluttered and in need of a serious cleaning, this site is for you. I plan on taking some before and after pics. She has some great ideas, and I plan on putting them to good use. I will stop babbling about it and give you the link so you can check this out for yourself: http://www.flylady.net/pages/begin_babysteps.asp



So, between myself, Mr. Rootbeer and these two ladies, I think I should have things under control in the next few weeks. I am by nature a very neat and clean being, and this just isn't right. When you get to the point where you run to the store to buy an outfit instead of doing a load of laundry, you know shit is out of control.



So wish me luck!

Cycle Day 1

those words have never sounded so sweet...

AF has finally showed up, and although I am very uncomfortable, I am so relieved. I can't remember ever having a period like this. Heating pads are my friend.

In other news, my peace with God was short-lived. My grandfather had a heart attack Saturday night. He had surgery today. When it rains, it friggen pours.

I don't know how much more I can handle. I find myself wondering what the fuck I did to deserve all of this shit. I am seeing the shrink this afternoon, I bet she will have a field day with this shit...

A death, a birth, and a few scorpion bowls

I went to church yesterday for the first time since the miscarriage. My great-aunt died and my family and I went to the funeral. I didn't forsee this being one of the things that sparks an all-out breakdown. Alas, it did. Here I was sitting in church, sandwiched between my dad and brother when it was time for communion. For anyone who hasn't gathered it from my previous blog posts, I just haven't been that happy with God lately. After receiving communion I knelt and prayed. I prayed for Aunt Rita's soul, I prayed for my Uncle Jack, I prayed for her children, grandchildren, and anyone else who is greiving. And then I realized that I never prayed for my baby. I never prayed for Baby Rootbeer's little soul. I started to cry a little but managed to hold it together until the service was over. When everyone had finally filed out of the church, I snuck off to light a candle and pray just for my little Rootbeer. I cried harder than I have cried in a few weeks. I have been holding it all in and trying to be strong, and this was my moment to let it out and do what I should have done a long time ago. I made peace with God. I asked him to take care of my little one until I got there. I begged him to bless Mr. Rootbeer and I with children, if that is his plan for us.

After the funeral I headed over to the hospital to welcome the newest addition to our family. My littlest cousin, "Baby Izy" was born Wednesday night. I was nervous walking in. I didn't want to cry or look upset, and take anything away from her day. But when I walked in, I couldn't have been any happier. She is so tiny and precious. I sat there holding her for about an hour, talking to her proud parents about the birth. I kissed her little nose, rocked her, and told her how much I loved her and how happy I was to finally meet her. I knew my entire family was watching me and exchanging nervous looks, and secretly gauging my reaction.

After the hospital I went home to let the doggies out and take a nap. I slept for about a half hour, and then the fun began. My friends and I try to get together once a week for dinner, it usually works out to twice a month due to scheduling conflicts and such. Last night four of us went out to a Japanese grill. The food was delicious, the scorpion bowls were strong, and the conversation was highly inappropriate. After we had had our fill we couldn't bear to leave each other yet, so we continued the festivities at a favorite local hangout. 4 beers, 4 cigars, and 4 drunk girls later...we finally left. I stumbled home and Mr. Rootbeer took advantage of me :) It was a fantastic night.