It's been just over 7 weeks since we lost Baby Rootbeer. I feel like I should be doing better. Most days are pretty good. But truthfully I am sad to my core. Even when I am happy, or having fun, I am still sad in some way. The odd part is that it doesn't translate into my life as sadness, but rather as anger. Which sucks, because being angry does not feel good. It makes me feel guilty because the sources and targets of my anger are usually undeserving strangers that have done nothing besides procreate. The shrink says that everything I am feeling is normal. Fantastic. The trouble with that is that it doesn't feel normal. It feels so far from normal.
My cousin's baby shower is today. I am not going. I decided it was best for everyone, including myself, if I stayed behind. I lost my shit at a graduation party last week, case closed no baby showers for me.
I go to work everyday, I go out with friends and with my husband. I see family. I clean my house. I have definitely made progress. I am just not 100%. It's not that I go around yelling and being mean to pregnant people and people with kids, it's more on the inside.
Mr. Rootbeer doesn't want to TTC again until my next cycle. The doctor mentioned that would be optimal, and since I know Mr. Rootbeer is terrified I will miscarry again, we are waiting. I don't want to wait, but I am. I pray that some of this anger will go away when we do get pregnant again. But for now, it's a waiting game. I am happy to report however, that we are having a ton of sex. It's pretty awesome.
E-hugs. There is a blog I read about an adoption journey. She had to have a hysterectomy due to severe endo. in her mid twenties. Her title is "a New Kind of Normal" which I think is appropriate for anyone who experiences major trauma no matter what form it comes in.
ReplyDeleteYou have had major trauma to your heart and emotions so while it may not "feel" normal for you, it is a new normal. Nothing will be the same but you can still move on and still LIVE and have a wonderful future, but in your new normal you will never forget.
Thoughts and prayers are still with you.
"A New Kind of Normal" is exactly right. I can tell you what you are feeling it 100% normal. I can also tell you, when my sadness changed to anger/bitterness, things soon started looking up after that.
ReplyDeleteI know what you are feeling and my heart breaks for you. Hang in there, it get's better. It just takes time.
Doyous