I am so sick of everyone looking at me and treating me differently, so I have just been pretending nothing happened. I go about my daily routine, I smile fake smiles, and everyone is happy. And it really is much better than wallowing around in my misery all day, it feels pretty good actually. I feel like things are going back to normal, as normal as things can be right now. I also stopped taking the Xanax. I think it is making me worse and it is making the grief last longer than it has to.

I realize that I will always be sad on some level about losing this baby. But, I am ready for the gut-wrenching grief to go away. For the moments that I find myself curled up in a ball, crying on my floor to become less and less common. I am ready to heal. I want to find peace within this unfortunate situation so badly. And I think getting back into a routine is the way to get there. I really do. The problem comes when we go to bed. I still CANNOT sleep without the Xanax.

Here's how last night went down...

10:30 pm...Mr. Rootbeer falls asleep on the couch

11:30 pm...I wake him up, drag his ass upstairs into bed, and crawl under the covers

11:32 pm...Mr. Rootbeer is OUT COLD snoring and sprawled out, I am watching the tonight show

12:00 am...I turn off the TV and attempt to fall asleep

1:00 am...I am still not really sleeping, I am drifting in and out of conciousness, tons of thoughts going through my head.

sometime around 1:30 am...I finally fall asleep

4:00 am...I am up again

I am not used to this. I LOVE to sleep. I used to come home from work, take a nap, and then go to bed at 9pm. This sucks. I am a zombie today. This isn't good for anyone. Tonight I may try taking 1/2 of a Xanax before bedtime.