I think I am finally starting to really deal with the miscarriage. The D&C was exactly two weeks ago today. I am actually processing everything that has happened and is still happening. Things were blurry at first. Maybe I was in shock. I think I was so overwhelmed with greif and anger that I was unable to feel anything else. I also don't think the xanax was doing me any good besides helping me fall asleep. So I stopped taking it a week ago today. I was thriving on the low it made me feel. I could sit and stare at nothing and speak to noone for hours and not care. I didn't want to leave my house. I didn't want to take calls or visitors. That is not me. I am friendly and outgoing. I am vibrant and fun. And I refuse to allow this unfortunate happening to change me completely as a person.
I had a sickening moment last Friday, which made me realize that I needed a break from the xanax. I was watching TV with Mr. Rootbeer when a commercial came on for some new show on MTV about pregnant teenagers. Girls who get pregnant by accident in the back of a Civic. My knee jerk reaction took over me. I flipped the double bird at the TV and I yelled out "Fucking Whores." And then it hit me. I AM one of those babies. My parents were 18 when they got pregnant with me, and I have always thought my mother so brave for not taking the easy way out and stepping up to her responsibilities. My father as well I should add.
I immediately started to cry hysterically. I was hyperventilating. At that moment I realized what I had allowed to happen. I allowed myself to be changed by the miscarriage. It hurt so bad to realize what I had become. I would have NEVER reacted like that before. Those girls are brave women. They are taking responsibility and accountability for their own actions and their decisions, and I truly commend them for that. It is not their fault that my baby died. It doesn't work like that.
oh sweetie, that is a hard pill to swallow when you realize something about yourself. Admitting even to yourself that you feel those things is hard when you do want to wallow in it. For some reason, we do wallow in the negative, the bitter, the pain, the sadness. I don't know why, but I know we do. Just know that there are good days and bad days and don't beat yourself up for your feelings!
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