My Shoes

A wonderful and inspirational woman on the bump posted this and I thought I would share with you...

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them,
and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite somuch.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they thinkabout how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Waiting...

I am still waiting for AF. I probably shouldn't have expected to see her on Sunday, but I did. On to CD 31 tomorrow and more waiting. I would have been 17 weeks today. I lost baby Rootbeer 10 weeks ago tomorrow. It is so weird. I feel like I was pregnant just yesterday, but at the same time I feel like it was years ago.

I went to see the shrink today. She has been on vaca for a few weeks so we should have had a lot to catch up on. Or um I should have had a lot to catch her up on. But I really didn't have much to say. She asked how I was feeling, I replied with "flat." She said I am depressed. She said she thinks I should consider calling my Dr to get on some sort of anti-depressant. Apparently, she isn't the prescribing-type of Dr.

Um no. I will not be taking an anti-depressant right now. Mr. Rootbeer and I are finally gearing up for TTC again and this is no time to be introducing new drugs into my body. I just want to feel better. I know that I can get through this without meds. Mr. Rootbeer totally supports my decision. So for now I wait...

Wait for my period...

Wait to TTC...

Wait to feel better...

Did I mention I am one of the least patient people on earth?

Dreamweaver

I had a dream last night I was pregnant again. It brought back a whole slew of emotions. The good news is that I woke up happier than I have been in a while. I haven't been that heppy since I actually was pregnant. I forgot how wonderful it felt to be pregnant. To feel that little baby inside me and know that it was a product of our love. I can't wait to feel that again.

In other news, Mr. Rootbeer and I talked some more. I told him that I need to chart. Charting makes me feel as if I have some kind of control over my body and my cycles. So, I will be charting...I think. I'm confused. Don't mind me.

The "talk"

I received a text message from Mr. Rootbeer yesterday saying he wanted to "talk" when we got home. Excellent. This is never good. I had a funny feeling it was going to be about TTC. I must be psychic. When I came home we spent some time chatting about each of our days, and Mr. Rootbeer ate dinner which he had made for himself since I had a working dinner meeting.

Deep down I knew this was coming. Mr. Rootbeer is not much of a verbal communicator, however I have become increasingly comptetent at deciphering his non-verbal cues. I had this feeling all day long that this was not going to be a talk I really want to have. I worried that he would tell me that after the miscarriage, he isn't sure he wants to TTC again. I knew this "talk" was TTC related, because as I get closer to this cycle being over and closer to the time we decided we would TTC again, I can feel the tension rising. I knew there was something he has been wanting to say and hasn't. It took a lot of poking around for him to finally tell me that he would rather me not start temping and charting again. Which I am ok with. My OCD tendencies tell me that charting is the only road to conception, but I know that isn't true.

So no more charting for me, which is relieving.

8 weeks later

It has been 8 weeks since the D&C. I feel so much better than last week. I am almost afraid to type those words. Everytime I think that I am finally doing better, I regress. Everytime I feel accomplished for taking 5 steps forward, I take 2 back. I know this is "normal"...there's that word again. I understand this is a natural step in the process of grieving. Anywho, I am feeling good this week, and I attribute this to two things. One being that this cycle is almost over and we are getting closer to TTC again every day. The other being how much I have accomplished in terms of my house being organized and clean thanks to the FLYlady.

I am excited and scared to death of TTC again at the same time. I want to get pregnant again. I cannot wait to feel tired, bloated, and nauseous all over again, as long as it leads to a healthy baby. But at the same time I am scared. Scared of another miscarriage. Scared it will take another 6 cycles to even get pregnant again. Scared that when I do get pregnant I will be a nervous wreck and not be able to enjoy it. Some of this I have control over. I need to be patient and let things happen. I truly believe we will have our baby soon. And when I am pregnant again, I need to just enjoy every day for what it is. A blessing.

7 Weeks Later

It's been just over 7 weeks since we lost Baby Rootbeer. I feel like I should be doing better. Most days are pretty good. But truthfully I am sad to my core. Even when I am happy, or having fun, I am still sad in some way. The odd part is that it doesn't translate into my life as sadness, but rather as anger. Which sucks, because being angry does not feel good. It makes me feel guilty because the sources and targets of my anger are usually undeserving strangers that have done nothing besides procreate. The shrink says that everything I am feeling is normal. Fantastic. The trouble with that is that it doesn't feel normal. It feels so far from normal.

My cousin's baby shower is today. I am not going. I decided it was best for everyone, including myself, if I stayed behind. I lost my shit at a graduation party last week, case closed no baby showers for me.

I go to work everyday, I go out with friends and with my husband. I see family. I clean my house. I have definitely made progress. I am just not 100%. It's not that I go around yelling and being mean to pregnant people and people with kids, it's more on the inside.

Mr. Rootbeer doesn't want to TTC again until my next cycle. The doctor mentioned that would be optimal, and since I know Mr. Rootbeer is terrified I will miscarry again, we are waiting. I don't want to wait, but I am. I pray that some of this anger will go away when we do get pregnant again. But for now, it's a waiting game. I am happy to report however, that we are having a ton of sex. It's pretty awesome.

Spring Cleaning in July

Mr. Rootbeer and I are working on getting our home back in order. Since the miscarriage things have spiraled out of control in regard to household chores and such. 6 weeks of not doing anything around the house results in one thing...chaos. Laundry piled up everywhere, miscellaneous items all over the countertop, cobwebs lurking in every corner, and little sticky things on the floor that grab on to your bare feet or socks when you walk. GROSS.



Don't fret ladies and gentlemen. I have a plan. I always have a plan. I have enlisted the help of two wonderful ladies to help me...Mrs. Meyer and the FlyLady.



I am completely OBSESSED with Mrs. Meyer's a clean day products. I, myself, am partial to the lavander scent. However, it is available in other amazing scents like geranium, basil, lemon verbana, and even a baby product line. I love love love the scent of the lavander after I clean a room in my home. I started with purchasing the countertop spray, and loved it so much, I sprung for the all purpose solution, which I use on anything and everything in my house. This stuff cleans my stainless steel cooktop like nothing else. I have bought countless specialty stainless steel cleaners and nothing even comes close. So anywho, this stuff is fabulous. Check out her stuff here: http://www.mrsmeyers.com/ I buy mine at Target btw.



OK so let's talk about the FlyLady. I was catching up on my blogs this morning, when I came across a comment mentioning the FlyLady. This chick is definitely going to whip my disorganized ass into shape. If your house is cluttered and in need of a serious cleaning, this site is for you. I plan on taking some before and after pics. She has some great ideas, and I plan on putting them to good use. I will stop babbling about it and give you the link so you can check this out for yourself: http://www.flylady.net/pages/begin_babysteps.asp



So, between myself, Mr. Rootbeer and these two ladies, I think I should have things under control in the next few weeks. I am by nature a very neat and clean being, and this just isn't right. When you get to the point where you run to the store to buy an outfit instead of doing a load of laundry, you know shit is out of control.



So wish me luck!