O!

Well folks it looks like today is the day I have been waiting for. I got a "peak fertility" reading on the CBEFM this morning. Complete with an adorable picture of a little egg. I should be O'ing today or tomorrow.

:swoon:

Sex-a-thon November 2009 continues...

Pinky

The CBEFM is still reading "high fertility" today. I was sure I would wake up and get a "peak fertility" reading today. I think I read somewhere that it may not give a "peak fertility" reading the first cycle in use because the monitor doesn't "know" me yet. So, my friends, the sex-a-thon continues.

Not even a broken toe could stop us.

I would like to take a moment to tell you all that I am an accident waiting to happen. I think it may have something do with my lack of depth perception. I walk into EVERYTHING. Last week we went to NYC to see a show and I fell flat on my face on 138th street. Brusied my shin pretty good. A few days later I slipped on the back cement steps leading down to our patio and busied my ass. I have a big black bruise the size of Mr. Rootbeer's fist on my right ass cheek. Or so he tells me.

But last night takes the cake. I really couldn't tell you how this happened. That's how ridiculous it is. Anywho, I was walking in my living room and somehow managed to kick the couch. Yup. And broke my little pinky toe, and possibly the one next to it. I can barely walk.

I got into bed and Mr. Rootbeer came in and we decided a little broken toe won't stop us. :)

If I get knocked up this cycle, I shall call the baby Pinky.

A Trip Down Memory Lane

A few months ago I put google analytics on my blog. I was interested in seeing if anyone was even reading my blog and where my readers were coming from. I was quite surprised to find I actually had readers. And from all over the country and even in other countries.



So, yesterday I was sitting around with Mr. Rootbeer, watching football as per usual on a Sunday afternoon, when I decided to pull up google analytics and check on this little old blog. And would you believe that people are still reading my blog? When I figured this out I felt just plain guilty. Guilty, because my blog has sucked hardcore lately. I have been writing without inspiration. Or barely writing at all.



I needed inspiration and guidance. And somehow I got the bright idea to go back and read all my posts from the beginning. This was really the first time I have gone back and remembered those few weeks I had my baby. The verdict is still out on whether this was a good idea.



You decide.



My blog can basically be broken up into 4 parts.



Part 1 - TTC ROUND 1

This made me laugh. I was so impatient after trying for only a few cycles. Alas, I can recall some of these feelings. I remember being so frustrated the cycle I got pregnant. I remember the night we found out. But when I read the post about that night, I remembered much more. I knew I was pregnant before I ever saw those two lines. I remember going to dinner with Mr. Rootbeer that night and telling him I was pretty sure it would be my last sushi dinner for a while. I remember getting home from dinner and Bubs telling me to test. I remember seeing the lines and feeling so happy. I know happy is a pretty run of the mill way to describe such an overwhelming emotion but when I think back all I can see is happy.



Part 2 - Baby Rootbeer

Once I saw those two lines my blog was happy. There's that word again. This was the happiest time my blog has ever seen, and yet when I read it last night it was the hardest part to read. One one hand it was sweet to see how delighted and hopeful I was, on the other hand it was sad to see how innocent and unaware I was.



There was a post about pregnancy pimples that brought me to tears. I was complaining about having zits all over my body. But at the end of the post I said something to the effect of not being able to wait to hear Baby Rootbeer's heartbeat and how it would be the sweetest sound I had ever heard next to hearing Baby Rootbeer's first cry. I never got to hear those sounds. It breaks my heart all over again.



Part 3 - The Aftermath

Ok this is the part where shit hit the fan. After losing Baby Rootbeer I was a mess. It was hard to read. I had posted a recount of the events of that day. And I had tears streaming down my face as I read it last night. This section is full of raw emotion. Sadness, greif, confusion and sheer disbelief.



Part 4 - TTC Round 2

This is where the blog really started to turn to shit. Because you see, there is no magic left in TTC for me. I write about nothing. The posts show clear signs of a bitter and depressed newlywed. How wonderful.



I have friends who are TTC for the first time. They are so excited and filled with hope and anticipation. I dare not burst their bubble. However, I am insanely jealous. I wish I could get that feeling back. I feel like I am stuck somewhere I am not supposed to be.



According to google analytics, an average of 6 of you have been reading these miserable posts. So, to the six of you I apologize. I vow that I will make a valiant effort to make my blog better. To entertain you with the funny little anecdotes that occur, and to fill you in on the details of TTC round 2.



And since we are focusing on positivity...there was something wonderful I found while reading my blog. I found all the wonderful, supportive, and loving comments left by readers. Thank you. Thank you for the support and the love.



The truth is people. I am scared. I am absolutely terrified of being pregnant again. Even though it is the one thing I want more than anything.



What happens then? Will I be happy again? Will all the pain I have been trying to process over the past 6 months go away? Will I be able to enjoy another pregnancy?



I guess we will cross all of these bridges when we come to them.



I am also anxious about my impending due date. January 5th. The day Baby Rootbeer was estimated to arrive. What the fuck am I supposed to do on that day? Just thinking about it causes my chest to tighten. And as this day approaches I find myself being reminded of what I should be doing. I should be finishing up the nursery. I should be attending my shower. I should be huge. The approach of this due date and the holidays makes me want to run away.



:deep breath:



OK enough about that.



In CBEFM news, it is still giving me a "high fertility" reading. Today is CD 15. Mr. Rootbeer and I have been having a sex-a-thon for a few days now and I don't plan on calling it quits until I see a "peak fertility" reading. Also, I bought a pineapple.



I am desperate people. The thought of standing on my head after sex has actually crossed my mind in a serious manner.

Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor

So, I have officially christened my CBEFM. For the past three days I have woken up, peed on a little stick, and stuck it inside this magical little monitor. In theory, this nifty little device will tell us when the best time is to have sex. Right now, the monitor says I am in "high fertility". I call shenanigans. Today is CD 10. There is no way I am even close to fertile right now. Whatever, CBEFM we will see how smart you are soon. If I somehow manage to get KU this cycle. I promise I will shut my mouth and never question you again.

Mr. Fix-It

Well here we are again. I haven't blogged in a while mainly because I haven't really had anything new to say. We are still trying to get pregnant, and I am still not pregnant. I am still having a hard time with all of this. I am trying so damn hard to be positive but it is more and more difficult every month.

Today is most likely CD 28 and I am probably 13 DPO. I say "most likely" and "probably" because I didn't chart or use OPKs or anything again.

I have been hearing things like "Just relax and it will happen," or "it will happen as soon as you stop trying" for about a year now. Both are among my most hated phrases.

I took the last two cycles to "relax" and "let it happen."

But guess what, it didn't.

I spotted yesterday, and again today. Which is a clue that AF is hiding right around the corner. Waiting to pop out and remind me that I am not pregnant yet again.

A few months ago I would have still had hope at this point. I would have said to myself, "self, you're not bleeding yet. Some women spot when they are pregnant." But I am fresh out of hopeful pep talks for myself. And frankly, I am annoyed by the ones I get from others. Even from people I love most.

The two people closest to me in my life are Mr. Rootbeer and my Dad. I am incredibly close to my father and I always have been. He knows more about me than anyone and we talk about everything.

My Dad is Mr. Fix-It. He always has been. He can fix ANYTHING. I never had to worry if something broke, I would bring it to Dad and he would fix it, no matter what it was. In fact, when I was 11 my pet cockatiel Prissy had an unfortunate accident with a ceiling fan. She broke her beak and I remember picking her up and carrying her over to my Dad and saying, "fix her Daddy." He did.

And when I met Mr. Rootbeer I noticed the same quality. Mr. Rootbeer can fix anything as well. I don't think I could have married a man who couldn't. I break things a lot and it's comforting to have a man around that can make everything right again.

Well, I have been feeling pretty broken lately. It has been over a year since Mr. Rootbeer and I started TTC. I am disappointed and discouraged every month when I start to bleed. It breaks my heart into pieces all over again, and it seems to get worse every cycle.

This month has been the worst so far. It's not about the miscarriage anymore. It is about the fact that I have tried everything in my power to get pregnant and FAILED over and over again. Getting pregnant is the most basic and natural function of the female body. And I can't seem to hack it.

I was overly optimistic about this cycle. My breats have been very sore. I have been bloated, and breaking out very bad. I actually thought we might have finally succeeded.

Yesterday I ran home and into the bathroom and I looked down and saw pink. I closed my eyes and starting saying "no no no no." I prayed. I actually sat on my toilet and prayed for God to make the blood go away and replace it with a positive pregnancy test. And today when I saw more blood in my bathroom at work, I lost my shit. I sobbed and I felt sorry for myself.

Neither my Dad nor Mr. Rootbeer can fix this. And they have tried. They try with their words. They tell me that I will get pregnant soon. They tell me it will happen when we least expect. They remind me to be thankful for what I have. But it just makes me feel worse. Because I know they can't fix this for me.

I am still feeling sorry for myself. I don't know where to go from here. On one hand I want to call the Dr and begin testing. On the other, I want to go back on birth control and maybe regain some sanity.

I probably won't do either. I will probably just keep trying and praying.

And again...

we are on to the next cycle. AF showed up on Thursday. I feel like since I haven't been charting or using OPKs (at the request of Mr. Rootbeer), I can't really be that disappointed. Yet, I am.

So here we are, almost 4 months have passed since we lost Baby Rootbeer...still unpregnant.

I decided after careful consideration, to give Mr. Rootbeer's "good ole fashioned way" one more try. He is convinced this is the best way, and he really wants to try one more cycle, or not try, or not try to try. Ugh...one more month of this crap.

I am doing this for my husband. I have to keep telling myself that.

If I don't get pregnant this cycle, we have decided to use a Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor next cycle. And of course the pre-seed. At least then I will know if and when I am ovulating and if we are timing sex correctly. Based on the length of of the three cycles I have had since the miscarriage, I know something MUST be different. I have got to be ovulating later. But thanks to my stubborn husband, I have no idea.

I know, I know...so many people make perfectly healthy babies without ever having to chart, or use OPKs or even know anything about their own body. I say GOOD FOR THEM.

It doesn't matter what other people have done. This is MY journey to MY family. For some reason, this is the path I have been forced to take, and I have no choice but to find a way through it. I know I will have the family I am meant to have. I just hate the uncertainty in it.

Catching Up...

It is about time I caught up with my blog readers. Things are ok. Time is ticking.

We are still trying to get pregnant, but we have not been charting. This decision came from Mr. Rootbeer mostly. He felt that it would be best to do things "the old fashioned way." Honestly, I don't necessarily agree, but I felt like I could try his approach for a few months and see where it took us. I have to admit, it was fun for a little while. Fun not worrying about timing. But as this cycle winds down and I wait for the dreaded AF to show up, it is not so fun. I haven't charted since the miscarriage. And deep inside I am anxious. Anxious because my cycles still aren't back to where they were before the miscarriage, anxious because I have no idea when I am ovulating. And the anxiety just seems to get worse as AF approaches. I have no idea when to expect it. My best guess is somewhere between day 28 and 36. So today CD 30, I wait. I wait for the day when I will see blood and my heart will break all over again. It has been 14 weeks, and it gets easier every day. But that pain in still there deep inside of me. It comes to the surface every month when AF comes. I tend to think it is mostly due to hormones. But don't worry, if by some miracle of God I did manage to get pregnant this cycle you all will be the first to know.