Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor
So, I have officially christened my CBEFM. For the past three days I have woken up, peed on a little stick, and stuck it inside this magical little monitor. In theory, this nifty little device will tell us when the best time is to have sex. Right now, the monitor says I am in "high fertility". I call shenanigans. Today is CD 10. There is no way I am even close to fertile right now. Whatever, CBEFM we will see how smart you are soon. If I somehow manage to get KU this cycle. I promise I will shut my mouth and never question you again.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Mr. Fix-It
Well here we are again. I haven't blogged in a while mainly because I haven't really had anything new to say. We are still trying to get pregnant, and I am still not pregnant. I am still having a hard time with all of this. I am trying so damn hard to be positive but it is more and more difficult every month.
Today is most likely CD 28 and I am probably 13 DPO. I say "most likely" and "probably" because I didn't chart or use OPKs or anything again.
I have been hearing things like "Just relax and it will happen," or "it will happen as soon as you stop trying" for about a year now. Both are among my most hated phrases.
I took the last two cycles to "relax" and "let it happen."
But guess what, it didn't.
I spotted yesterday, and again today. Which is a clue that AF is hiding right around the corner. Waiting to pop out and remind me that I am not pregnant yet again.
A few months ago I would have still had hope at this point. I would have said to myself, "self, you're not bleeding yet. Some women spot when they are pregnant." But I am fresh out of hopeful pep talks for myself. And frankly, I am annoyed by the ones I get from others. Even from people I love most.
The two people closest to me in my life are Mr. Rootbeer and my Dad. I am incredibly close to my father and I always have been. He knows more about me than anyone and we talk about everything.
My Dad is Mr. Fix-It. He always has been. He can fix ANYTHING. I never had to worry if something broke, I would bring it to Dad and he would fix it, no matter what it was. In fact, when I was 11 my pet cockatiel Prissy had an unfortunate accident with a ceiling fan. She broke her beak and I remember picking her up and carrying her over to my Dad and saying, "fix her Daddy." He did.
And when I met Mr. Rootbeer I noticed the same quality. Mr. Rootbeer can fix anything as well. I don't think I could have married a man who couldn't. I break things a lot and it's comforting to have a man around that can make everything right again.
Well, I have been feeling pretty broken lately. It has been over a year since Mr. Rootbeer and I started TTC. I am disappointed and discouraged every month when I start to bleed. It breaks my heart into pieces all over again, and it seems to get worse every cycle.
This month has been the worst so far. It's not about the miscarriage anymore. It is about the fact that I have tried everything in my power to get pregnant and FAILED over and over again. Getting pregnant is the most basic and natural function of the female body. And I can't seem to hack it.
I was overly optimistic about this cycle. My breats have been very sore. I have been bloated, and breaking out very bad. I actually thought we might have finally succeeded.
Yesterday I ran home and into the bathroom and I looked down and saw pink. I closed my eyes and starting saying "no no no no." I prayed. I actually sat on my toilet and prayed for God to make the blood go away and replace it with a positive pregnancy test. And today when I saw more blood in my bathroom at work, I lost my shit. I sobbed and I felt sorry for myself.
Neither my Dad nor Mr. Rootbeer can fix this. And they have tried. They try with their words. They tell me that I will get pregnant soon. They tell me it will happen when we least expect. They remind me to be thankful for what I have. But it just makes me feel worse. Because I know they can't fix this for me.
I am still feeling sorry for myself. I don't know where to go from here. On one hand I want to call the Dr and begin testing. On the other, I want to go back on birth control and maybe regain some sanity.
I probably won't do either. I will probably just keep trying and praying.
Today is most likely CD 28 and I am probably 13 DPO. I say "most likely" and "probably" because I didn't chart or use OPKs or anything again.
I have been hearing things like "Just relax and it will happen," or "it will happen as soon as you stop trying" for about a year now. Both are among my most hated phrases.
I took the last two cycles to "relax" and "let it happen."
But guess what, it didn't.
I spotted yesterday, and again today. Which is a clue that AF is hiding right around the corner. Waiting to pop out and remind me that I am not pregnant yet again.
A few months ago I would have still had hope at this point. I would have said to myself, "self, you're not bleeding yet. Some women spot when they are pregnant." But I am fresh out of hopeful pep talks for myself. And frankly, I am annoyed by the ones I get from others. Even from people I love most.
The two people closest to me in my life are Mr. Rootbeer and my Dad. I am incredibly close to my father and I always have been. He knows more about me than anyone and we talk about everything.
My Dad is Mr. Fix-It. He always has been. He can fix ANYTHING. I never had to worry if something broke, I would bring it to Dad and he would fix it, no matter what it was. In fact, when I was 11 my pet cockatiel Prissy had an unfortunate accident with a ceiling fan. She broke her beak and I remember picking her up and carrying her over to my Dad and saying, "fix her Daddy." He did.
And when I met Mr. Rootbeer I noticed the same quality. Mr. Rootbeer can fix anything as well. I don't think I could have married a man who couldn't. I break things a lot and it's comforting to have a man around that can make everything right again.
Well, I have been feeling pretty broken lately. It has been over a year since Mr. Rootbeer and I started TTC. I am disappointed and discouraged every month when I start to bleed. It breaks my heart into pieces all over again, and it seems to get worse every cycle.
This month has been the worst so far. It's not about the miscarriage anymore. It is about the fact that I have tried everything in my power to get pregnant and FAILED over and over again. Getting pregnant is the most basic and natural function of the female body. And I can't seem to hack it.
I was overly optimistic about this cycle. My breats have been very sore. I have been bloated, and breaking out very bad. I actually thought we might have finally succeeded.
Yesterday I ran home and into the bathroom and I looked down and saw pink. I closed my eyes and starting saying "no no no no." I prayed. I actually sat on my toilet and prayed for God to make the blood go away and replace it with a positive pregnancy test. And today when I saw more blood in my bathroom at work, I lost my shit. I sobbed and I felt sorry for myself.
Neither my Dad nor Mr. Rootbeer can fix this. And they have tried. They try with their words. They tell me that I will get pregnant soon. They tell me it will happen when we least expect. They remind me to be thankful for what I have. But it just makes me feel worse. Because I know they can't fix this for me.
I am still feeling sorry for myself. I don't know where to go from here. On one hand I want to call the Dr and begin testing. On the other, I want to go back on birth control and maybe regain some sanity.
I probably won't do either. I will probably just keep trying and praying.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
And again...
we are on to the next cycle. AF showed up on Thursday. I feel like since I haven't been charting or using OPKs (at the request of Mr. Rootbeer), I can't really be that disappointed. Yet, I am.
So here we are, almost 4 months have passed since we lost Baby Rootbeer...still unpregnant.
I decided after careful consideration, to give Mr. Rootbeer's "good ole fashioned way" one more try. He is convinced this is the best way, and he really wants to try one more cycle, or not try, or not try to try. Ugh...one more month of this crap.
I am doing this for my husband. I have to keep telling myself that.
If I don't get pregnant this cycle, we have decided to use a Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor next cycle. And of course the pre-seed. At least then I will know if and when I am ovulating and if we are timing sex correctly. Based on the length of of the three cycles I have had since the miscarriage, I know something MUST be different. I have got to be ovulating later. But thanks to my stubborn husband, I have no idea.
I know, I know...so many people make perfectly healthy babies without ever having to chart, or use OPKs or even know anything about their own body. I say GOOD FOR THEM.
It doesn't matter what other people have done. This is MY journey to MY family. For some reason, this is the path I have been forced to take, and I have no choice but to find a way through it. I know I will have the family I am meant to have. I just hate the uncertainty in it.
So here we are, almost 4 months have passed since we lost Baby Rootbeer...still unpregnant.
I decided after careful consideration, to give Mr. Rootbeer's "good ole fashioned way" one more try. He is convinced this is the best way, and he really wants to try one more cycle, or not try, or not try to try. Ugh...one more month of this crap.
I am doing this for my husband. I have to keep telling myself that.
If I don't get pregnant this cycle, we have decided to use a Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor next cycle. And of course the pre-seed. At least then I will know if and when I am ovulating and if we are timing sex correctly. Based on the length of of the three cycles I have had since the miscarriage, I know something MUST be different. I have got to be ovulating later. But thanks to my stubborn husband, I have no idea.
I know, I know...so many people make perfectly healthy babies without ever having to chart, or use OPKs or even know anything about their own body. I say GOOD FOR THEM.
It doesn't matter what other people have done. This is MY journey to MY family. For some reason, this is the path I have been forced to take, and I have no choice but to find a way through it. I know I will have the family I am meant to have. I just hate the uncertainty in it.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Catching Up...
It is about time I caught up with my blog readers. Things are ok. Time is ticking.
We are still trying to get pregnant, but we have not been charting. This decision came from Mr. Rootbeer mostly. He felt that it would be best to do things "the old fashioned way." Honestly, I don't necessarily agree, but I felt like I could try his approach for a few months and see where it took us. I have to admit, it was fun for a little while. Fun not worrying about timing. But as this cycle winds down and I wait for the dreaded AF to show up, it is not so fun. I haven't charted since the miscarriage. And deep inside I am anxious. Anxious because my cycles still aren't back to where they were before the miscarriage, anxious because I have no idea when I am ovulating. And the anxiety just seems to get worse as AF approaches. I have no idea when to expect it. My best guess is somewhere between day 28 and 36. So today CD 30, I wait. I wait for the day when I will see blood and my heart will break all over again. It has been 14 weeks, and it gets easier every day. But that pain in still there deep inside of me. It comes to the surface every month when AF comes. I tend to think it is mostly due to hormones. But don't worry, if by some miracle of God I did manage to get pregnant this cycle you all will be the first to know.
We are still trying to get pregnant, but we have not been charting. This decision came from Mr. Rootbeer mostly. He felt that it would be best to do things "the old fashioned way." Honestly, I don't necessarily agree, but I felt like I could try his approach for a few months and see where it took us. I have to admit, it was fun for a little while. Fun not worrying about timing. But as this cycle winds down and I wait for the dreaded AF to show up, it is not so fun. I haven't charted since the miscarriage. And deep inside I am anxious. Anxious because my cycles still aren't back to where they were before the miscarriage, anxious because I have no idea when I am ovulating. And the anxiety just seems to get worse as AF approaches. I have no idea when to expect it. My best guess is somewhere between day 28 and 36. So today CD 30, I wait. I wait for the day when I will see blood and my heart will break all over again. It has been 14 weeks, and it gets easier every day. But that pain in still there deep inside of me. It comes to the surface every month when AF comes. I tend to think it is mostly due to hormones. But don't worry, if by some miracle of God I did manage to get pregnant this cycle you all will be the first to know.
Friday, August 21, 2009
FAIL
I am the worst blogger EVER. I would like to tell you I have been too busy to post anything but that would not be the truth. The truth is that over the last month or so depression has really taken a hold of me. I want to assure you that I am ok now. I am really doing 100x better than I was even two weeks ago.
I have never been depressed before. I dealt with some minor anxiety issues in college but nothing too serious. Maybe that's why I didn't see the signs. Things got very dark. I just felt flat. It's hard to explain, which is why I haven't blogged. It is not like I sat around crying all the time, in fact it is quite the opposite. I was so afraid of admitting what I was feeling that I tried to be happy all the time. Eventually this caught up with me and I broke. It has been a very rough few months in the Rootbeer household.
I have never felt so alone in my life. I feel as if noone understands my greif and pain.
I have never been depressed before. I dealt with some minor anxiety issues in college but nothing too serious. Maybe that's why I didn't see the signs. Things got very dark. I just felt flat. It's hard to explain, which is why I haven't blogged. It is not like I sat around crying all the time, in fact it is quite the opposite. I was so afraid of admitting what I was feeling that I tried to be happy all the time. Eventually this caught up with me and I broke. It has been a very rough few months in the Rootbeer household.
I have never felt so alone in my life. I feel as if noone understands my greif and pain.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
My Shoes
A wonderful and inspirational woman on the bump posted this and I thought I would share with you...
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them,
and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite somuch.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they thinkabout how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them,
and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite somuch.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they thinkabout how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Waiting...
I am still waiting for AF. I probably shouldn't have expected to see her on Sunday, but I did. On to CD 31 tomorrow and more waiting. I would have been 17 weeks today. I lost baby Rootbeer 10 weeks ago tomorrow. It is so weird. I feel like I was pregnant just yesterday, but at the same time I feel like it was years ago.
I went to see the shrink today. She has been on vaca for a few weeks so we should have had a lot to catch up on. Or um I should have had a lot to catch her up on. But I really didn't have much to say. She asked how I was feeling, I replied with "flat." She said I am depressed. She said she thinks I should consider calling my Dr to get on some sort of anti-depressant. Apparently, she isn't the prescribing-type of Dr.
Um no. I will not be taking an anti-depressant right now. Mr. Rootbeer and I are finally gearing up for TTC again and this is no time to be introducing new drugs into my body. I just want to feel better. I know that I can get through this without meds. Mr. Rootbeer totally supports my decision. So for now I wait...
Wait for my period...
Wait to TTC...
Wait to feel better...
Did I mention I am one of the least patient people on earth?
I went to see the shrink today. She has been on vaca for a few weeks so we should have had a lot to catch up on. Or um I should have had a lot to catch her up on. But I really didn't have much to say. She asked how I was feeling, I replied with "flat." She said I am depressed. She said she thinks I should consider calling my Dr to get on some sort of anti-depressant. Apparently, she isn't the prescribing-type of Dr.
Um no. I will not be taking an anti-depressant right now. Mr. Rootbeer and I are finally gearing up for TTC again and this is no time to be introducing new drugs into my body. I just want to feel better. I know that I can get through this without meds. Mr. Rootbeer totally supports my decision. So for now I wait...
Wait for my period...
Wait to TTC...
Wait to feel better...
Did I mention I am one of the least patient people on earth?
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