An Uphill Battle

Lately I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle. One that I've been fighting for almost two years now.

I went to see Dr. JustRelax for my 20 week ultrasound and appointment yesterday, and as luck would have it, I happened to be in the same office I was in when they discovered Baby Rootbeer had no heartbeat, and in the exact same room. Being that it was the first time I have been back to that office since, I felt anxious as soon as I walked into the room. And Mr. Rootbeer couldn't be with me due to some work scheduling conflicts.

As I waited for the ultrasound tech to come in I tried to relax, I really did.

I told myself that this baby is different. And she is.

We have made it so far together.

As the tech started the ultrasound and I saw my little girl quietly sucking her thumb on the screen in front of me, I started to relax and breathe again. I could easily see her heart was just beating away, which is still the most beautiful sight everytime I see it.

Within a few minutes, the ultrasound tech noticed that the placenta is slightly covering my cervix. Which she explained to be placenta previa. She explained that this could mean I will have a c-section if the placenta doesn't migrate upwards and away from my cervix.

She looked back at the ultrasound pictures from last week and said they probably didn't see it because my bladder wasn't emptied. And she also said this is most likely the source of the bleeding I have been experiencing. (I have bled twice since my appointment last week)

She went on to check out Baby Root, who is doing fabulous. She is growing strong and measuring a few days ahead. Her heart is perfect, her brain looks great, kidneys, spine, face, everything looked just fantastic.

So then it was time to see Dr. JustRelax.

He put me on pelvic rest and added a few more restrictions. Basically, no sex, no exercise, no laundry, no vacuuming, no lifting anything remotely heavy, no standing for extended periods of time. He also encouraged me to stay away from googling the term placenta previa and said it would scare me. ( I didn't exactly listen to the last part)

I was really uspet yesterday. I am hopeful that everything will turn out fine and the placenta will move as my uterus grows. But I feel like nothing has been easy for me in trying to have a family.

So I gave myself the rest of the day yesterday to walk around all mopey, feeling sorry for myself and hate on my body.

And now I am moving on.

Baby Root is healthy and strong and that is what I am focusing on.

Blessed

I don't think I have ever felt so blessed in my entire life.

I know my post earlier didn't really express it, but I was so scared walking into that appointment today.

This baby and I have come so far together. And I am in love.

In love with someone I have never even met.

How strange is it to think that there is someone living inside of you, but yet you've never met them?

Anyway, the baby is perfect and growing big and strong.

The blood was from a polyp on my cervix that has been bleeding.

And the best part was that the ultrasound tech was able to tell that Baby Root is a GIRL!

It was such a wonderful moment, I will never forget it. And I am so thankful that I was able to experience it.

I am truly blessed.

Change in Plans

So.....due to a recent turn of events, I will be heading off to the Dr. JustRelax in about an hour to check on Baby Root.

We had a little bleeding scare last night.

Thankfully, we have a doppler at home, courtesy of my good friend "Bubs." And I was able to hear my sweet baby's heartbeat loud and clear, which did a lot to ease my fears.

So keep us in your thoughts this morning.

With all the comotion, Mr. Rootbeer and I have decided to cancel the 3D ultrasound we had scheduled for tonight.

So I guess we will just have to wait and see who's in my belly :)

Tomorrow....maybe

Last week Mr. Rootbeer and I went to an appointment. It was an ultrasound we paid out of pocket for to find out if Baby Root is made of sugar, spice and everything nice or frogs, snails, and puppy dog tails.

And it was a huge disappointment.

The tech said something to the degree of, "well it looks like maybe a girl"

To which I responded, "well that doesn't sound too positive"

Ya know, I wish he just said, "I can't tell, the baby is scrunched up and you need to come back next week."

I have waited to hear those three words "IT'S A ____!" for so long.

And now it's pretty anti-climactic.

So folks, we will go back tomorrow to confirm.

What do you think?

Boy or Girl?

Internet...meet Baby Root

Reunited and It Feels So Good

Wow it's been a while.

And naturally, A LOT has changed since my last post.

I've thought a lot recently about posting again. I think what was holding me back is that this blog really became a place where I vented and healed. And I wasn't quite sure how to come back and just pick up in a totally different place and frame of mind.

The truth is, I am still not sure.

So I have decided to treat it as if I would treat a friend I lost touch with...

A quick update and then move forward.

So here goes:

February, March, April - I didn't chart, no OPKs, no CBEFM, nothing, nada.....and that's exactly what happened.

NOTHING.

And in April I finally reached my breaking point. I was quickly approaching the one year mark of my pregnancy and the miscarriage.

So, I finally made an appointment with an RE, despite the recommendation of my Dr.

They did some testing.

Determined I have PCOS.

I cried.

I took some clomid.

Went to Florida in May in an attempt to distract myself from the anniversary of the miscarriage.

And BAM

I got PREGNANT.

That's right folks. I am pregnant, like right now.

15 weeks to be exact.

I know, I dont want to blow your mind anymore, so for now...I am going to work on giving this blog a much needed make over, and I will be back soon with a belly pic maybe....

Crazy shit, right?

A Trip Down Memory Lane

A few months ago I put google analytics on my blog. I was interested in seeing if anyone was even reading my blog and where my readers were coming from. I was quite surprised to find I actually had readers. And from all over the country and even in other countries.



So, yesterday I was sitting around with Mr. Rootbeer, watching football as per usual on a Sunday afternoon, when I decided to pull up google analytics and check on this little old blog. And would you believe that people are still reading my blog? When I figured this out I felt just plain guilty. Guilty, because my blog has sucked hardcore lately. I have been writing without inspiration. Or barely writing at all.



I needed inspiration and guidance. And somehow I got the bright idea to go back and read all my posts from the beginning. This was really the first time I have gone back and remembered those few weeks I had my baby. The verdict is still out on whether this was a good idea.



You decide.



My blog can basically be broken up into 4 parts.



Part 1 - TTC ROUND 1

This made me laugh. I was so impatient after trying for only a few cycles. Alas, I can recall some of these feelings. I remember being so frustrated the cycle I got pregnant. I remember the night we found out. But when I read the post about that night, I remembered much more. I knew I was pregnant before I ever saw those two lines. I remember going to dinner with Mr. Rootbeer that night and telling him I was pretty sure it would be my last sushi dinner for a while. I remember getting home from dinner and Bubs telling me to test. I remember seeing the lines and feeling so happy. I know happy is a pretty run of the mill way to describe such an overwhelming emotion but when I think back all I can see is happy.



Part 2 - Baby Rootbeer

Once I saw those two lines my blog was happy. There's that word again. This was the happiest time my blog has ever seen, and yet when I read it last night it was the hardest part to read. One one hand it was sweet to see how delighted and hopeful I was, on the other hand it was sad to see how innocent and unaware I was.



There was a post about pregnancy pimples that brought me to tears. I was complaining about having zits all over my body. But at the end of the post I said something to the effect of not being able to wait to hear Baby Rootbeer's heartbeat and how it would be the sweetest sound I had ever heard next to hearing Baby Rootbeer's first cry. I never got to hear those sounds. It breaks my heart all over again.



Part 3 - The Aftermath

Ok this is the part where shit hit the fan. After losing Baby Rootbeer I was a mess. It was hard to read. I had posted a recount of the events of that day. And I had tears streaming down my face as I read it last night. This section is full of raw emotion. Sadness, greif, confusion and sheer disbelief.



Part 4 - TTC Round 2

This is where the blog really started to turn to shit. Because you see, there is no magic left in TTC for me. I write about nothing. The posts show clear signs of a bitter and depressed newlywed. How wonderful.



I have friends who are TTC for the first time. They are so excited and filled with hope and anticipation. I dare not burst their bubble. However, I am insanely jealous. I wish I could get that feeling back. I feel like I am stuck somewhere I am not supposed to be.



According to google analytics, an average of 6 of you have been reading these miserable posts. So, to the six of you I apologize. I vow that I will make a valiant effort to make my blog better. To entertain you with the funny little anecdotes that occur, and to fill you in on the details of TTC round 2.



And since we are focusing on positivity...there was something wonderful I found while reading my blog. I found all the wonderful, supportive, and loving comments left by readers. Thank you. Thank you for the support and the love.



The truth is people. I am scared. I am absolutely terrified of being pregnant again. Even though it is the one thing I want more than anything.



What happens then? Will I be happy again? Will all the pain I have been trying to process over the past 6 months go away? Will I be able to enjoy another pregnancy?



I guess we will cross all of these bridges when we come to them.



I am also anxious about my impending due date. January 5th. The day Baby Rootbeer was estimated to arrive. What the fuck am I supposed to do on that day? Just thinking about it causes my chest to tighten. And as this day approaches I find myself being reminded of what I should be doing. I should be finishing up the nursery. I should be attending my shower. I should be huge. The approach of this due date and the holidays makes me want to run away.



:deep breath:



OK enough about that.



In CBEFM news, it is still giving me a "high fertility" reading. Today is CD 15. Mr. Rootbeer and I have been having a sex-a-thon for a few days now and I don't plan on calling it quits until I see a "peak fertility" reading. Also, I bought a pineapple.



I am desperate people. The thought of standing on my head after sex has actually crossed my mind in a serious manner.

Dreamweaver

I had a dream last night I was pregnant again. It brought back a whole slew of emotions. The good news is that I woke up happier than I have been in a while. I haven't been that heppy since I actually was pregnant. I forgot how wonderful it felt to be pregnant. To feel that little baby inside me and know that it was a product of our love. I can't wait to feel that again.

In other news, Mr. Rootbeer and I talked some more. I told him that I need to chart. Charting makes me feel as if I have some kind of control over my body and my cycles. So, I will be charting...I think. I'm confused. Don't mind me.

The "talk"

I received a text message from Mr. Rootbeer yesterday saying he wanted to "talk" when we got home. Excellent. This is never good. I had a funny feeling it was going to be about TTC. I must be psychic. When I came home we spent some time chatting about each of our days, and Mr. Rootbeer ate dinner which he had made for himself since I had a working dinner meeting.

Deep down I knew this was coming. Mr. Rootbeer is not much of a verbal communicator, however I have become increasingly comptetent at deciphering his non-verbal cues. I had this feeling all day long that this was not going to be a talk I really want to have. I worried that he would tell me that after the miscarriage, he isn't sure he wants to TTC again. I knew this "talk" was TTC related, because as I get closer to this cycle being over and closer to the time we decided we would TTC again, I can feel the tension rising. I knew there was something he has been wanting to say and hasn't. It took a lot of poking around for him to finally tell me that he would rather me not start temping and charting again. Which I am ok with. My OCD tendencies tell me that charting is the only road to conception, but I know that isn't true.

So no more charting for me, which is relieving.

Sunday Funday!

Chris along with some friends and family worked very hard on Sunday to install central air in our home. I can't wait to hit a button and not have to worry about sweating my pregnant ass off this summer. They went into the attic and they found a huge nest of birds! The momma bird was feeding the babies and it was the cutest thing I've ever seen. Well, I didn't exactly see it for myself, my Dad took pictures for me.

I am really grossed out by these birds living in my attic, but what am I supposed to do? Throw the baby birds into the wild? I couldn't! They are too young and need their momma bird. Oh well, they will be long gone by the time Baby Rootbeer comes.

While the boys were workin' hard on the air conditioning, I got out of there as fast as humanly possible. I spent the day with three fabulous nesties! We met at the Roosevelt Square Mall in Long Island, for a fun-filled day of shopping, spinach artichoke dip, and chocolate covered gummy bears. It was awesome! Check out some of our pics below!

Bubba, Thusa, Me and Weeeeee :)

The low point of the day HAD to have been on my drive home. After we got to Thusa's, I jumped in my car for my hour drive home. I was on my way to the highway, driving down a dirt road when morning sickness suddenly came over me. I couldn't pull over because the road was literally not large enough for another car to pass me! So, being the resourceful woman that I am, I reached into the backseat and found a paper bag to vomit into, while still driving. Noone can ever say I am not multi -talented. I called Mr. Rootbeer to tell him I was on my way home, and what had happened and he laughed at me for about 5 full minutes. Thanks Mr. Rootbeer, thanks.

Yummm

Mr. Rootbeer and I went out for pizza with his parents last night. We went to my fav pizza spot on the earth, Sally's in New Haven on Wooster Street. The crust is thin and crispy and the pizza literally melts in your mouth. I am drooling just thinking about it. Mr. Rootbeer and his Dad shared a sausage and peppers pie, and Mom and I shared a tomato, broccoli, and garlic white pie. I have some in the fridge at home waiting for me to eat it.

Besides the yummy pizza, yesterday was a terrible day for morning sickness. I woke up at 4:00am for a meeting and hopped in the shower. As I was washing my hair I started feeling a little dizzy and lightheaded. Before I knew it, I was throwing up in the shower. I had to get to work for a 6:30am meeting, so after dry heaving for about an hour, I managed to get myself dressed and ready to go. I rushed out the door, drove to work, and walked in to a dark, empty conference room. ?????

The meeting had been cancelled the night before, and nobody bothered to let me know. I found this out after sitting at a coworkers desk for 20 minutes texting and calling everyone I could to find out what w as going on. When I finally got the news it was 6:50, I locked up the office, and headed home. On the way home, I called my Mom and started to cry hysterically. These hormones are really starting to get to me. I was so upset because I realyl could have used the extra sleep and I was so mad that noone called me. I ended up getting back into bed with Mr. Rootbeer, he is amazing. When I came into the room crying like a big baby I woke him up and scared him, he pulled me into bed and scratched my back until I fell asleep and got an extra hour of sleep. By the time I went back to work I was over it. But the nausea wasn't done with me. I felt like I was going to puke all day long. But I didn't. I kind of wish I had. I feel better once I do most times.

Tomorrow I am going on a special day trip with some very special ladies. I will reveal more with pictures on Monday. And while I am gone, Mr. Rootbeer, my dad, and some friends will be installing our central air. THANK SWEET BABY JESUS! I cannot go through another summer sweating, and especially not this summer carrying an extra 20 lbs or so around.

Brotherly Love

I have been dying to tell my little brother that Baby Rootbeer is on the way. He has been away at college for the past few months and this will be his first neice/nephew. My brother and I are really close and I knew he would be so excited. So on Monday after his last final my Dad drove to Rhode Island to pick him up for the summer. He came over and I broke the news. He was so excited!!! So excited, in fact, that the next day he posted it on his facebook page. We have decided not to tell everyone until we have our first appointment, so I called him and make him take it down immediatelty. Thank god I caught it early on.

In other news, my TTC sidekick Bubbalini is knocked up!!! I am so excited for her, and also for me :) I secretly hoped we would end up being pregnant together. Even if our pregnancies only overlapped for a few months, but it worked out better than I could have planned. We are 15 days apart. It is so perfect. We shared the majority of the experience of trying to concieve our first children and now we are going to share the experience of having our first children. I never thought I would meet someone online and become such amazing friends and support systems for each other in such a short amount of time. I am going to pray every night for the safe and healthy deliveries of our babies.

5 week bloat pic

My first "belly" pic, although it's all bloat. I know this because I can barely zip my pants and I have lost 3 lbs. I am pretty sure people at work think I am getting fat. They see me stuffing my face all day long and I am sure they notice me pulling uncomfortably at my clothes, especially my pants. I am going to get a bella band this weekend. I don't care if I am only 5 1/2 weeks, my stomach is officially no longer flat and I am not going to have my pants leaving red marks on my tummy everyday for the sake of not caving to the bella band.

In other news, morning sickness reared its ugly head yesterday. I woke up in the middle of the night feeling really nauseated. When I finally got out of bed and brushed my teeth I started dry heaving in the sink...disgusting. The thought of brushing my teeth makes my mouth water and not in a good way.

Let me just say I am not complaining, I am so happy to be pregnant with this baby. I pray every night before I fall asleep that the baby will stick and we will make it safely into the second trimester. I just need to hear Baby Rootbeer's heartbeat. I know that will be the most amazing sound I will ever hear in my life until I hear my baby cry for the first time.

Dream a little dream

I have had two glorious dreams about Baby Rootbeer so far. Both times I woke up so happy. Last night I dreamt that Mr. Rootbeer and I went for the big ultrasound and the Dr was unable to see if Baby Rootbeer was a boy or a girl. So, we came home and painted both bedrooms, one pink and one blue. just in case.

In other news, we have had some recent visitors in the form of raccoons. Apparently they were huge fans of the stuffed shells I made Sunday night. Gross.

2nd beta is back

Hcg went from 86 on Thursday to 342 Today! Perfect! Baby Rootbeer is doing excellent!!!

Bye Bye Birdie!

I switched my Dr today. I had to, this was getting out of control and I was feeling so weighed down by the whole thing. After going for my second set of bloodwork today I have had enough. They actually told me to stop reading books. Um...NO. I read, that's what I do. If you want uneducated patients, then I guess we are not a good fit. She also told me she doesn't care for birth plans. This is all wrong. I always liked her, but things are different now, we aren't sitting in her office throwing around different birth control options. Also, she only delivers at one hospital and this isn't the hospital I ever wanted to deliver in. Yale is 15 minutes from me. I always wanted to deliver at Yale. If god forbid, something were to happen with Baby Rootbeer I would want to be in the best hospital. If I needed a c-section, where would I want to be? I have decided to start looking for a midwife. After reading a nestie's blog about her midwife experience, I know that's what I am looking for.

Holy Pregnancy Pimples

I have zits. One huge zit on my face, right below my nose. It is seriously the biggest zit I have EVER had. And apparently Clearsil is out of the question now. I also have one on my arm! Yes that's right, my arm. I also have two sprouting up on my hairline. This is just great. I feel like I am 13 again. I really hope that this isn't going to last my whole pregnancy.



I called my OB on Tuesday and told them I had a postive HPT. They told me to stop by on Thursday so that they could do a blood test to confirm. So, Thursday came and I ran over to the Dr. and they took some blood. They also scheduled an appointment for our first ultrasound. May 20th! I was floating on a cloud after I left. I feel great and I can't wait to hear Baby Rootbeer's heartbeat. I will be 7 weeks on May 20th, that seems a little early to me for an ultrasound, but I won't complain. The receptionist told me to call Friday morning around 9:30 for the results of the blood test.



Friday morning I came to work and was counting the minutes til 9:30, when it finally came I dialed the number and had butterflies in my stomach. The receptionist said she would call me back in a few minutes with the results. 11:30 rolled around and I still hadn't heard anything, and being as impatient as I am, I called again. She put me on hold and said I need to speak to the nurse. The nurse came on and said, you are pregnant, but very early on. Duh, I know this lady. She said my beta came back at 86. She said they want me to come in Monday for more bloodwork and then again in another week. Then she asked me again when was my LMP, I told her March 31st, and she says "hmmmmm...that can't be right." So I asked "why not?" And then she said "so then you aren't even late yet." I told her that my period was due last Sunday April 26th and that my cycles are 26 days. So I will go in tomorrow for another beta and pray that the number has doubled.

Baby Rootbeer is on the way!

I am pregnant. Knocked the fuck up. Bun in the oven. Holy shit.

Last night Mr. Rootbeer and I went out for a wonderful hibachi dinner. It was delicious! I was a day late for my period. I had planned on testing today but I couldn't wait anymore, I have been soooo patient. And my chart has been looking beauteous! So after consulting my trusty TTC sidekick Bubbalini, I decided to hold my pee for a few hours and see what happened.

After dinner I had some spotting, my heart sank. I thought to myself "its over". But I was wrong. I peed on the stick and I saw a faint line!!! I couldn't believe my eyes. I ran into the living room where Mr. Rootbeer was watching the Yankees game, shoved it in his face and said "What do you see?" He said he saw a line, and then he asked why it was so light. He looked so happy but apprehensive at the same time. I sent pictures to Bubbalini to see what she thought and she said she thought she might be able to see them. I decided I would test again today with FMU.

I had a really hard time falling asleep. I kept telling myself that if for some reason AF shows her ugly face that I will not be upset, a little disappointed but not upset. We gave it everything we had this cycle. We used the preseed, I was so dilligent about testing, our timing was perfect, and I was very well behaved during the 2ww, minus the scorpion bowl I drank by myself the night we concieved.

So, I woke up at 5 am this morning ran into the bathroom and peed into a cup, dipped the stick in, and waited....

Suddenly, a beautiful little plus sign appeared before me! I ran back into the bedroom, knocking the cup full of pee all over the floor, and jumped onto the bed. We laid there and just smiled for about a half hour. And I haven't stopped smiling yet.

The only symptom I think I can claim as of now is total exhaustion. I cannot wait to get out of work today and nap...