I guess it is high time I update you, blog readers.

I am a week or so late for my period.

Don't get too excited. For, this is not good news. I am NOT PREGNANT.

I know this because my doc ordered a blood test on Monday morning, and it came back negative.

I am sure, right about now, you are all asking yourself the very question that has been dancing around in my pretty head for the past few days...

Why am I late?

The answer is unknown.

Did I ovulate?

Also unknown.

Why, you ask?

Because I stopped using the devil CBEFM on CD 20 when I did not see a peak fertility reading. Because I took the advice of my doc. (who will be called Dr. JustRelax from here forward)

You see, I called Dr. JustRelax last month when my period came. I was a hot crying mess of a patient. And Dr. JustRelax told me to...you guessed it. Relax, get a bottle of wine, light some candles, and see how that worked.

And, me, being the asshole I am, I listened.

And do you know what?

I have no fucking clue what happened this cycle. Which is clearly a problem, since today is CD 37.

Allow me to share with you, internet, how this convo went down yesterday.

ps. yesterday was also Baby Rootbeer's EDD.

pps. I had a long post written about it, but deleted it. Because it was a ranting raving mess and you all wouldn't have wanted to read it anyway. TRUST.

OK, I digress.

So here it is, and I am warning you now, that I will spare no details.

Monday Morning...

Mrs. R: Oh Hi! I am a pateint of Dr. JustRelax's and I am calling because I am a week late for my monthly gift *insert eyeroll here* and I am not sure what's going on.

Lori (AKA the nicest receptionist ever): Oh hi Mrs. Rootbeer, let me just pull your chart.

Silence

Lori: OK well Dr. JustRelax isn't here today because Dr's don't come back to work the Monday after New Year's like the rest of the world. (OK maybe she really didn't say the last part, but I know that's what she meant. ) but I am going to have you go down to have blood drawn. Due to your history, it is important to know if you are in fact pregnant.

Mrs. R: Ok, I will go now then.

And off I went. Straight to the lab, where I proceeded to wait in the waiting room amongst 14 coughing old people. (I am not exaggerating)

After about 45 minutes of covering my mouth and nose for fear of swine, I was in the chair getting the blood drawn.

Tuesday Morning...

:phone rings:

Mrs. R: Hello?????

Lori: Hi Mrs. R it's Lori. I am calling to let you know your bloodwork came back negative.

Mrs. R: Thank you for calling. (and ruining my already horrible, most dreaded day of the year) So Lori, what should I do about the fact that I am still not bleeding?

Lori: Well, I will have to have Dr. JustRelax call you.

An hour later...

:phone rings:

Mrs. R: Holla

Dr. JustRelax: Hey Mrs. R , it's Dr. JustRelax.

Mrs. R: Oh hey, so I guess you got the results of my bloodwork?

Dr. JustRelax: Yes, yes I did. And how late are you?

Mrs R: about a week now

Dr. JustRelax: and that is unusual for you right?

Mrs. R: yes

Dr. JustRelax: OK well what do you want to do?

***at this moment my mind started reeling....what do I want to do? Is this man really asking me this? Should I tell him that I have seriously contemplated hiring elves to steal Mr. Rootbeer's semen in the middle of the night so that I can squirt it up my vadge with a turkey baster? Or that I have had suspicions about whether I have been ovulating for a few months now***

Mrs. R: Well, what are my options? (this was a better answer, no?)

Dr. JR: Well, you can relax and see if your period comes on its own or I can give you a pill to make it come.

*THIS IS WHERE PURE MAGIC HAPPENED PEOPLE. Something inside me snapped. I am sick of everybody's advice, including Dr. JustRelax. I am sick of floundering through TTC, I am sick of TTC period.*

Mrs. R: Here's what we are going to do. Let's wait a week and see if my period comes on its own, and I will call you next Tuesday if it does not.

Dr. JR: That seems reasonable.

Mrs. R: ok well now that we have that squared away, I am not sure I ovulated this cycle, and I have had suspicions about this for a while now...

Dr. JR: Well, don't you use that monitor?

Mrs. R: YOU TOLD ME TO JUST RELAX!

Dr. JR: ok well if you are not ovulating, I can make you ovulate.

Mrs. R: :chuckle: Oh really? How?

Dr. JR: with a pill called Clomid. I'm sure you've already read all about it? (translation: I know you are one of those annoying chicks who researches everything on the internet)

Mrs. R: Actually, Dr JustRelax, I don't know very much about Clomid. (translation: hahahahaha you're wrong because I haven't even read about clomid and now I am going to run over to the nearest computer and read all the info available and by the next time we talk I will be an expert on clomid but I haven't yet so youre wrong hahahaha)

Dr. JR: well, clomid is a mild fertility treatment, and it does have a few side effects, but the most promiment one is that it doubles your risk of having twins.

Mrs. R: Well, beggars can't be choosers, right?

Dr. JR: Let's get you a period and then you can come in and we can discuss the options you have.

:end scene:

So, there you have it folks, it looks like my blog will be taking a turn in a different direction in 2010.

Infertility.


Thoughts?

Waiting...

I am still waiting for AF. I probably shouldn't have expected to see her on Sunday, but I did. On to CD 31 tomorrow and more waiting. I would have been 17 weeks today. I lost baby Rootbeer 10 weeks ago tomorrow. It is so weird. I feel like I was pregnant just yesterday, but at the same time I feel like it was years ago.

I went to see the shrink today. She has been on vaca for a few weeks so we should have had a lot to catch up on. Or um I should have had a lot to catch her up on. But I really didn't have much to say. She asked how I was feeling, I replied with "flat." She said I am depressed. She said she thinks I should consider calling my Dr to get on some sort of anti-depressant. Apparently, she isn't the prescribing-type of Dr.

Um no. I will not be taking an anti-depressant right now. Mr. Rootbeer and I are finally gearing up for TTC again and this is no time to be introducing new drugs into my body. I just want to feel better. I know that I can get through this without meds. Mr. Rootbeer totally supports my decision. So for now I wait...

Wait for my period...

Wait to TTC...

Wait to feel better...

Did I mention I am one of the least patient people on earth?

Accomplishment

I did not cry once today. This is BIG. I have cried at least once a day since losing Baby Rootbeer. Granted, there are still 3.75 hours left in the day, however, I think I can make it. I am healing and finally getting back into a "normal" routine.

I went to see a shrink yesterday. I call her that because I don't know what else to call her. I went because my parents wanted me too. I am not one to do things because others want me to, but I secretly thought it was a decent idea. She was very nice, she asked me a lot of questions, and she said some things that make a ton of sense. I am going back next week. I think she can help me get to a place mentally where I am ready to try to get pregnant again.

I have learned that everyone deals with pregnancy loss differently. Some can't wait to try again, and some need to take time before they can even fathom the idea of being pregnant again. I fall somewhere in the middle of the two. Of course I want to get pregnant again. I yearn to be a momma more than I ever thought possible. But at the same time, I am scared. Scared of pregnancy, scared of ultrasounds, but most of all scared of losing another one. Many women go on to have success after a miscarriage, and many miscarry again. I need to be prepared for whatever hand life is going to deal me next. It is entirely possible that my feelings on this will change as soon as my period shows up. That's when we officially have the green light from the Dr. But for now, I am concentrating on making myself as strong as possible. Physically and emotionally. I am concentrating on making my marriage as strong as possible. And I am enjoying as much of life as possible.

Life can be so funny. It can be so good but yet so bad at the very same moment. As hard as that can be sometimes, it is also amazing. Because in our darkest hours, there is still something positive to focus on, even if we cannot see it at the moment. I have an incredible husband, who adores me.

I am so sick of everyone looking at me and treating me differently, so I have just been pretending nothing happened. I go about my daily routine, I smile fake smiles, and everyone is happy. And it really is much better than wallowing around in my misery all day, it feels pretty good actually. I feel like things are going back to normal, as normal as things can be right now. I also stopped taking the Xanax. I think it is making me worse and it is making the grief last longer than it has to.

I realize that I will always be sad on some level about losing this baby. But, I am ready for the gut-wrenching grief to go away. For the moments that I find myself curled up in a ball, crying on my floor to become less and less common. I am ready to heal. I want to find peace within this unfortunate situation so badly. And I think getting back into a routine is the way to get there. I really do. The problem comes when we go to bed. I still CANNOT sleep without the Xanax.

Here's how last night went down...

10:30 pm...Mr. Rootbeer falls asleep on the couch

11:30 pm...I wake him up, drag his ass upstairs into bed, and crawl under the covers

11:32 pm...Mr. Rootbeer is OUT COLD snoring and sprawled out, I am watching the tonight show

12:00 am...I turn off the TV and attempt to fall asleep

1:00 am...I am still not really sleeping, I am drifting in and out of conciousness, tons of thoughts going through my head.

sometime around 1:30 am...I finally fall asleep

4:00 am...I am up again

I am not used to this. I LOVE to sleep. I used to come home from work, take a nap, and then go to bed at 9pm. This sucks. I am a zombie today. This isn't good for anyone. Tonight I may try taking 1/2 of a Xanax before bedtime.

Helter Skelter

That is what this post will be, a mish moshed rambing of a whole bunch of random shit. I promise that the entire entry won't be depressing and bitter. I will work my way up to the good stuff. I will warn you that my emotions are raw. You may not like what you read.

People say really dumb shit to you after they learn you have had a miscarriage. And at this point in the game, I am not excelling at filtering my responses.

"At least you know you can get pregnant." - That's a good one. Probably the most common one I have heard. My response to this is usually "What is your point?"

"This too shall pass." - Ok, the first 2 times I heard this one, I wasn't really sure what the intentional meaning was...so the 3rd, 4th, 5th...times I responded with "What exactly do you mean?" I mean really, what is that supposed to mean? I am not being sarcastic, I am being as serious as a heart attack.

"This is God's plan for you." - Let me begin by saying that this is the only one on the list that actually makes sense. In fact, my faith in God is the second most important thing getting me through this right now. My amazing husband is the first. The only reason that it is even on this list is because it makes me mad. And it makes me mad because I am mad at God right now. Yup, little Mrs. Rootbeer is mad at God. I am mad at him because women who smoke crack and don't take prenatals have perfectly healthy pregnancies, and I lost a baby. I took my vitamins, I didn't smoke crack. See my point? No? I don't care. Oh yeah, and I don't even respond to this one I just roll my eyes. It's really the best I can do.

"Now you guys can practice." - I am assuming this is a "cute" way of saying we have an excuse to have sex now. Hmmm...last time I checked we didn't need any other excuse besides the fact that we like to. Glad we got that one out of the way. I roll my eyes at this one too.

Ohhhh I got a good one...

"You know, having a miscarriage is as common as having your wisdom teeth removed." - I have only heard this little gem once. I was caught a little off guard, so I said, "Ok well they can remove all my teeth and give me my baby back." Yeah, can you say uncomfortable?

This next one really hurts my feelings and makes me want to cry everytime I hear it...

"Well, at least this happened now, your body knows something wasn't developing right." - Ok, there is a pretty strong possibility that my body did what is is supposed to do and naturally terminated the pregnancy. I know and understand this. But there is no need to mention it. Also, when you say it like that, you are presuming that I would not have had this baby if there were such a complication and my body had allowed the baby to develop a heartbeat. Which is wrong. I would not terminate a pregnancy for any reason. It is my own choice and it's none of your business. So just don't say that. Ok?

And this one today was my fav...

"It just wasn't the right time, hunny, ya know? The economy is so shitty." - Bwahahahahahahahahaha yes, I laughed. There was nothing else to do. I laughed so hard I almost cried, and it felt so good.

And do you know what happened? She laughed too, kinda nervously, she was probably afraid I was losing my shit. But I really thought that was funny. So, right then and there I have decided that when someone says something dumb to me about my unfortunate situation, I am just going to laugh at them. Because it makes me feel better and it makes them feel bad, instead of me feeling bad because they have said one of the above phrases and them feeling better because they have offered me some sort of "wisdom."

And, let me also say that I know that people have no idea what to say to me right now. And I also know that 98.4% of the people saying these things are people that love me. They mean nothing but to comfort me, I am just bitter.

But really, they don't need to say much, all they need to say is "I'm sorry." And for all those women out there who have had perfectly healthy pregnancies and beautiful chubby babies, don't feel guilty when you talk to a woman who has gone through something like me, or something even worse. Feel lucky. Thank God. (or your lucky stars if you don't believe in God) Appreciate your blessings.

Ok enough about that. The good news is that after the D&C, my doctor prescribed me xanax. It is glorious, especially since I hadn't slept in two days.

On Saturday, Mr. Rootbeer and I decided it was time to get out of the house. So, we went to Lowe's. We bought TONS of flowers. Any flowers I wanted, I got. We got yellow grecian roses, lavander, lilacs, lilies, daisies, etc Mr. Rootbeer also wanted to re-mulch the gardens, so we did that as well. The yard looks amazing. I felt so accomplished. I got a total high from working as a team with my husband and seeing our backyard vision come to fruition. Here are some pics.

I think you all are probably sick of hearing about how unbelievable my husband is. But, you guessed it, I don't care. You should have married him. He is really that wonderful. And not only is he so friggen awesome, he is also really handsome. On Friday night he said something to the effect of "soon we can forget all of this ever happened." And I lost it, I started to cry and I told him I didn't want to forget my baby. So Saturday morning he gave me this gift:

It's a beautiful little angel charm for my bracelet. He said it was a little something for me to remember our baby. I love it. I love him.

Mr. Rootbeer loves to fish. So to show my appreciation for him, I accepted his invitation to go fishing yesterday. And guess what happened? I caught a freakin fish! A brown one, with spots! It was awesome, he was so proud of me. And I was very proud of myself. I wanted to take a picture holding it but I just couldn't touch it. So, I settled for a picture of Mr. Rootbeer holding the fish. Here are some pictures for your enjoyment:

This is a picture of Mr. Rootbeer waiting for me to hurry up. I had flip flops on and that path was covered with very pointy sticks and pine needles which did not agree with my choice of shoewear.

This is a picture of the beautiful pond we went to fish.

That's the fish I caught!!!

And for the rest of the weekend, I pretty much just did this...

I love my dogs. They are such good snugglers.

Bye Bye Birdie!

I switched my Dr today. I had to, this was getting out of control and I was feeling so weighed down by the whole thing. After going for my second set of bloodwork today I have had enough. They actually told me to stop reading books. Um...NO. I read, that's what I do. If you want uneducated patients, then I guess we are not a good fit. She also told me she doesn't care for birth plans. This is all wrong. I always liked her, but things are different now, we aren't sitting in her office throwing around different birth control options. Also, she only delivers at one hospital and this isn't the hospital I ever wanted to deliver in. Yale is 15 minutes from me. I always wanted to deliver at Yale. If god forbid, something were to happen with Baby Rootbeer I would want to be in the best hospital. If I needed a c-section, where would I want to be? I have decided to start looking for a midwife. After reading a nestie's blog about her midwife experience, I know that's what I am looking for.